“I've come too far, and I'm not willing to give up.”—Sara Flammang

Sara Flammang, 44, had struggled with her weight since she was a teen. She had tried everything to lose weight, and without success. When her weight reached 361 pounds, she considered having bariatric surgery because she felt she had no other option.

Before making the final commitment to have the surgery (a choice she was very uncomfortable with), Sara silently asked for a sign to tell her otherwise. The very next day, she received a call from a longtime friend who wanted to introduce her to Lindora.

Sara began the Lean for Life program on May 23, 2005 at 361 pounds. Since then, she has lost 205 pounds—she is now more than half way to her goal of losing 220 pounds! Sara is happier and healthier than she has been in a very long time. She continues to make exciting—and sometimes very challenging—discoveries as her body, mind and image transform.

Each week, Sara shares her latest challenges and triumphs in the hopes of inspiring and supporting others in their commitment to become—and stay—Lean for Life. Check in every week to read her latest!

This is the weight that I have struggled to get past for months, and when I think back, this is the weight I stayed pretty steady at for 10 years or more. My body seems to like these numbers, and emotionally it’s also a fairly safe place for me to be. I’m not the biggest person in the room anymore, I can get some clothes that I think are cute, and I can go up and down stairs and walk for lengthy periods of time. However, I’m not at a healthy weight. I would like more options when it comes to choosing cute clothes, and climbing stairs or lengthy walks isn’t even close to effortless yet. I need to get my body started losing again and then my mind will catch up at some point.

Someone close to me asked if I had considered whether I’m just happy at my current size, that maybe I’ve lost enough to satisfy myself. I quickly acknowledged that if I were to go backwards in time to the girl I used to be, I would be more than happy to stay right here and not push myself further. But I am not that same girl anymore, and nor am I the woman I hope to someday be, therefore my journey continues. I have been a “runner” since childhood in one form or another, running as fast as I can from strong emotion, whether the emotion is positive or negative.

As a child I daydreamed to an extreme. Unhappy and shy, I would lose myself in my little stories in my head where the outcome was always me saying exactly the right things in the right way and the ending was always happy. As I grew a little older I escaped into books, reading the stories instead of daydreaming them, living through fictional lives where typically at the end everything would work out by the last chapter.

At some point in time, my coping mechanisms became more extreme. I became fearful of interacting with men to the point where I wouldn’t go through a checkout line in the grocery store if there was a man behind the register. If I drove up to the store and there were men standing outside, especially a group, I would immediately turn the car around and drive until I found one that felt safe.

Heaven forbid an attractive man complimented me or flirted…I would start to lose my eyesight, the periphery of my vision would start to turn gray then black until usually only a pinpoint size view was left for me to see through and it would stay that way until he stopped talking or moved away. These times also affected my hearing. I would start to hear something like a pounding in my ears that effectively blocked out any words he was saying until it was like I was stuck in a very dark cave with the sound of my own breathing magnified in my head. One time after such an event as my vision started to clear and noise started to filter in, I came to realize I was in the middle of a busy street with no idea of how I got there, how long I had been there and with cars whizzing by me on both sides.

Through a lot of struggle and hard work and the patience of a very caring man, I haven’t had an episode in about 6 or 7 years and no one meeting me now would accuse me of being shy! I would love to tell you I hung up my “running” shoes, but I still have some areas that I’m working on. The worst of it now, I think, is that when I’m feeling strong emotion when interacting with someone and I’m hurt or upset or sad, my first instinct is to leave. I just jump up, turn and am several paces before I even realize I’ve done it. It’s like the emotion is bubbling up so furiously inside that I have to get away from it and there’s no thought process that comes first. I’ve been working very hard with someone that’s important to me to sit through the tough stuff and to not walk off without at least verbalizing it first. It’s not easy.

I’m telling you all this to give you an idea why it’s not an option for me to stop here, at this weight or emotional place, because to me it would be like I’m still running. Running from success, running from pride in my accomplishments and running from my future, because my future might just be fantastic.

I am in the process of hanging up my running shoes unless it’s to run to the finish line. Hey, maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way! Since I’m so good at running, maybe I don’t have to stop, but I just need to change the direction I’m running in! I think you guys have just helped me figure out a new brilliant plan. I’ve been running for so many gosh darn years that it might be unrealistic to think I could just stop, but maybe I can jog my way in the direction of success and love instead of away from it. I’ll ponder that while I’m eating my white fish and spinach. I hope to have good news plateau-wise to report next time.

Wish me luck!

This is the weight that I have struggled to get past for months, and when I think back, this is the weight I stayed pretty steady at for 10 years or more. My body seems to like these numbers, and emotionally it’s also a fairly safe place for me to be. I’m not the biggest person in the room anymore, I can get some clothes that I think are cute, and I can go up and down stairs and walk for lengthy periods of time. However, I’m not at a healthy weight. I would like more options when it comes to choosing cute clothes, and climbing stairs or lengthy walks isn’t even close to effortless yet. I need to get my body started losing again and then my mind will catch up at some point.

Someone close to me asked if I had considered whether I’m just happy at my current size, that maybe I’ve lost enough to satisfy myself. I quickly acknowledged that if I were to go backwards in time to the girl I used to be, I would be more than happy to stay right here and not push myself further. But I am not that same girl anymore, and nor am I the woman I hope to someday be, therefore my journey continues. I have been a “runner” since childhood in one form or another, running as fast as I can from strong emotion, whether the emotion is positive or negative.

As a child I daydreamed to an extreme. Unhappy and shy, I would lose myself in my little stories in my head where the outcome was always me saying exactly the right things in the right way and the ending was always happy. As I grew a little older I escaped into books, reading the stories instead of daydreaming them, living through fictional lives where typically at the end everything would work out by the last chapter.

At some point in time, my coping mechanisms became more extreme. I became fearful of interacting with men to the point where I wouldn’t go through a checkout line in the grocery store if there was a man behind the register. If I drove up to the store and there were men standing outside, especially a group, I would immediately turn the car around and drive until I found one that felt safe.

Heaven forbid an attractive man complimented me or flirted…I would start to lose my eyesight, the periphery of my vision would start to turn gray then black until usually only a pinpoint size view was left for me to see through and it would stay that way until he stopped talking or moved away. These times also affected my hearing. I would start to hear something like a pounding in my ears that effectively blocked out any words he was saying until it was like I was stuck in a very dark cave with the sound of my own breathing magnified in my head. One time after such an event as my vision started to clear and noise started to filter in, I came to realize I was in the middle of a busy street with no idea of how I got there, how long I had been there and with cars whizzing by me on both sides.

Through a lot of struggle and hard work and the patience of a very caring man, I haven’t had an episode in about 6 or 7 years and no one meeting me now would accuse me of being shy! I would love to tell you I hung up my “running” shoes, but I still have some areas that I’m working on. The worst of it now, I think, is that when I’m feeling strong emotion when interacting with someone and I’m hurt or upset or sad, my first instinct is to leave. I just jump up, turn and am several paces before I even realize I’ve done it. It’s like the emotion is bubbling up so furiously inside that I have to get away from it and there’s no thought process that comes first. I’ve been working very hard with someone that’s important to me to sit through the tough stuff and to not walk off without at least verbalizing it first. It’s not easy.

I’m telling you all this to give you an idea why it’s not an option for me to stop here, at this weight or emotional place, because to me it would be like I’m still running. Running from success, running from pride in my accomplishments and running from my future, because my future might just be fantastic.

I am in the process of hanging up my running shoes unless it’s to run to the finish line. Hey, maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way! Since I’m so good at running, maybe I don’t have to stop, but I just need to change the direction I’m running in! I think you guys have just helped me figure out a new brilliant plan. I’ve been running for so many gosh darn years that it might be unrealistic to think I could just stop, but maybe I can jog my way in the direction of success and love instead of away from it. I’ll ponder that while I’m eating my white fish and spinach. I hope to have good news plateau-wise to report next time.

Wish me luck!

I was involved in a hit and run accident a little over a week ago and I've made myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not to press charges. I’ve always trusted my gut instincts and never questioned whether I was too nice, too soft or too forgiving--I was just me. As I evolve into a more active participant in my own life, I sometimes find myself unsure of my own responses or feelings. I’ve buried what I wanted and needed all my life, and to now think of those things--let alone make them a priority--is a painful and often awkward process.

My immediate response when someone hurts me is to ask myself what fault I might have in it. Maybe it’s a way to not let anger take over because anger--my own and everyone else’s--frightens me. I have buried my feelings under the protection of fat and weight and shapeless clothes for decades, and now I'm trying to sort it all out in less than a year and a half. Good luck to me! I am confused at every juncture. Do I go back to the past and seek the comfort of those who accepted me, or do I look forward to those who know me now?

At work, I recently took a Leadership Class and we did several personality type evaluations. One of them determined whether we were a "Feeling" or a "Judgment" personality type, or somewhere between the two? Well, my score couldn’t have been any higher in the “Feeling” range, which basically means that I find it challenging to just deal with cold, hard facts. To me there’s always a reason, always another side, always something else to take into consideration.

All of which brings me back to the hit and run. I’ve been in a dilemma as to whether or not to prosecute. Was I making a “feeling” decision (to not prosecute) and overanalyzing it in an attempt to do the “right” thing? I don’t just go with my gut reaction anymore because I don’t trust it right now. I’m trying to figure out if my instincts have been wrong this whole time. I'm in a smaller body with confusion swirling around in my head, and a heart that's tired of second-guessing my every move.

I watched Oprah the other day and they were discussing how more and more people who have had weight loss surgery are transferring their food issues to other addictions at an alarming rate. The opinion seemed to be that because they aren’t dealing with the issues along the way and making the choices to be healthier both in body AND mind; they simply turn to something else when food isn’t an option anymore. I'm trying to deal with being healthy in both mind and body on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I feel like I fail miserably. Yet most days, I'm still filled with wonderment at the magnitude of what I’ve accomplished so far and have a strong desire to continue on the journey I began 127 pounds ago.

So, in the two weeks since I’d last written, I gave in to my emotions and went off program for a couple of days. As a result, I gained 3-4 pounds and then took them back off. I had dealt with a couple of personal interactions that left me feeling like I'd been hit by a tornado (and like I'd been left barely standing), but I am now hopefully coming out on the other side of things!

Oh, before I forget, I have a new way of describing my progress. I tell people that for years I used to carry around the weight equivalent of an adult and a child, and now, I finally have the adult off of me and am in the process of letting the child go, too. I love children like nobody’s business, but come on, YOU try and carry a child piggyback for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year—and I’ll bet you’ll be eager for them to hop off, too!

I was telling my Lindora coach this morning that I’m finally noticing the differences in my body. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen them earlier, but perhaps I wasn’t ready to. Now I see everything as rounded and curvy, no longer swollen and distended. I don’t feel sexless and distorted; I feel more feminine, and I feel the part of me that is a confident woman.

I feel less and less satisfied with where I am, and more and more excited about where I can go. In the past I never allowed myself to dream of my future—ever. I think it was because I never felt I deserved much, and that if I set goals and dreams and never achieved them, I wouldn’t be able to accept the failure. Well I’m starting to dream now, and better yet, I think some of those dreams will come true because I haven’t allowed myself to believe otherwise!

Losing weight the Lindora way has given me more than just smaller hips and thighs—it’s given me a sense of pride and accomplishment. With the amount of weight I had to lose, I don’t think I could have done it on any other program because it would have taken longer and I would have lost my motivation and given up on myself. If I’d done it any faster, it would probably be unhealthy and I would be tired and cranky. Instead of becoming stronger in mind, body and spirit, I might have become weaker.

Had I taken the bariatric surgery route to lose the weight, I wouldn’t feel like Sara had accomplished the weight loss but would have attributed it all to the surgical procedure. I wouldn’t have gained my greater sense of self.

I’m not done yet, and I still make mistakes. I was on a roll and then the last three weeks have been an exercise in just not gaining during some chaotic times. Now I need to push forward in my journey to see what lies on the other side of morbidly obese. If I think I’m so cute in my jeans now, I wonder how I’ll feel when I’m down a couple more sizes?

I don’t know how I’ll pay for it, but I wholeheartedly believe that I will find a way to have the surgeries I need to bring my body to an “average” shape. If it means I have to be that girl that goes on the Discovery Health channel (with my important “bits” blurred) and allow them to film the “before” thighs that could win a look-alike contest for impersonating two Shar-Peis (those wrinkly dogs), then by golly, that’s what I’ll do to afford it!

As I lose the rest of my weight, I am determined — no — I AM COMMITTED — to living the rest of my life free of excessive fat cells, free of telltale loose ugly skin, and blessed with the emotional fortitude to deal with life on life’s terms.

So, to sum up this week’s journal: I love kids, and I love Shar-Peis—but only if they aren’t permanently attached to my body!

My Daddy (yes, I call him Daddy) has something called trigeminal neuralgia which is rare and medically classified as one of the most acute pains a human being can experience. Medication usually can control it to some degree, but this time it took over a week for the medicine to be really effective.

My Dad’s the type that typically doesn’t even take aspirin, so for him to be in and out of the hospital was a big deal. He’s out now and better, but unfortunately it’s now a waiting game for the next series of attacks because this doesn’t go away. I spent more days at the hospital than I spent out, and that led to me not eating for hours at a time and sometimes only once a day. Proof again that I lose weight when I eat—not when I starve myself.

Things were just so hectic and I didn’t want to leave him for any period of time, so the day would pass before I’d even think about food. The only reason I started losing weight again was because once he was okay, I started eating on plan, and what do you know, I lost! Eating about once a day for a week, my weight stayed the same. Eating six times a day for two days, I lost weight. How many times must I have this proven to me before the record in my head “breaks” and I start listening to a new tune?

I still would think every time I left the hospital and jumped on a scale, I bet I lost because I haven’t eaten anything. I’d hop on, wait for the digital numbers to reach those magic numbers and every single solitary time it would stop at exactly the same place it had before and I’d have a moment of surprise. Then I’d shake my head and remind myself that I have to eat healthy to lose. The next day I’d start the whole thing all over. Before I got back on plan, I did let the emotions get to me and I ate fast food for two days. Then I got ahold of myself and said Stop!

I also realized that I was craving vegetables and fruit and chicken, so the allure of self-medicating emotions with junk food apparently is gone. The instinct may still be there at times, but before, it actually tasted good. And now, eating fries actually made me think of how good some watermelon, roasted chicken and salad with tomatoes on it would be!

Last but not least, I’m including some photos in which EVEN I CAN SEE what a difference 127 pounds makes! In the last journal I talked about going to visit my girlfriend in Vegas and I mentioned a trip to Cambria we had taken a few months before I started Lindora. Well, I found a picture from that trip—and there’s also one from my recent visit. As you can see, she always looks beautiful. I on the other hand definitely prefer the one where I am 127 pounds lighter!

Last but not least, I’m including some photos that even I can see what a difference 127 pounds makes. Last journal I talked about going to visit my girlfriend in Vegas and I mentioned a trip to Cambria we had taken a few months before I started Lindora. I found a picture from that trip and there’s also one from my recent visit. As you can see, she always looks beautiful. I on the other hand, definitely prefer the 127 pound less one!
Sara and her friend (2005), just before Sara began the Lean for Life Program	Sara (127 pounds lighter!) and her friend, during her visit to Las Vegas (Sept 2006)

My friend Karyn (I call her Lola, not sure why!) lives in Vegas with her husband and her “son” Sherman (her part German Shepherd part Lab bundle of love), and Sherman contributed to my weight loss. First fun discovery: I can walk a mile without breathing too hard or having to stop at any point. Shermy needs his walk and I was happy to accompany them. Lola and I had taken a trip to Cambria a few months before I started Lindora, and I could barely stroll from store to store without having to constantly sit down because I was tired or my back was spasming. But now I can walk briskly for a mile every morning and can still play for the rest of the day!

When she lived here it was always a fairly laborious process for me to walk up the stairs to her place in Newport. She’d be so patient and worried as I took one step at a time pulling myself up by the railing because my legs couldn’t hoist all my weight. On day two in Vegas, it dawned on me as I climb the stairs to my room that not only can I climb the steps without stopping, but I don’t need to use the railing at all—my chubby little legs can support the weight on my frame! My legs are happier—they’re celebrating that I’m finally giving them a break after all these years!

Lola is very supportive of my weight loss journey. She really tried to accommodate my needs by cooking meals that were compliant with my program, which made it so much easier. It’s hard sometimes, because you don’t want to seem picky or make extra work for someone, but I’m very lucky to have people who care enough about me to do that without it being an issue. Bringing along my Lindora snacks and products also was key in me being able to stay on program and have those between-meal protein bars or drinks—I was self-sufficient when I needed to be! Now I’m refreshed and rejuvenated (although I miss her terribly already am already planning my next trip back)!

Now…about the other interaction I mentioned in last week’s journal but never got to…I was sitting in the waiting area at the Irvine clinic when someone walked in. I glanced up from my magazine to see who it was, and in later reflection realized I had made several quick judgements about the person I saw which were: 1) I wonder why she’s here, I wish I looked that great 2) This person is confident and has no major issues in her life and 3) If I looked like her, my life would be so different.

She sat next to me and I went back to reading my magazine. She asked, “Are you the person that writes on the website?”

I said yes, and she asked me how the Angels game went. Of course, I had to confess to her that I wimped out, and we started talking about why I ended up not going. I assumed that she wouldn’t really be able to understand what it was like to not be confident about dating, but then she started sharing her situation…and this is where the learning for me came in.

Her name is Nancy, and she’s one of those women who looks beautiful with little or no makeup on, and all dolled up she is probably a knockout. She has pretty features, great skin and hair, and the reason she looked in shape is because she had just lost 45 pounds on the Lean for Life program! She had gone through a divorce recently, and friends were pushing her to start dating, yet she had no desire to do so. She told me she felt like she didn’t know how.

She was insecure about it and even told me she was afraid. What?! I was listening to her and thinking What could someone who looks like her have to be uncomfortable about? I had associated what I consider “the perfect look” with a perfect life. So I realize that things will not be perfect for me when I get down to my goal weight just because I reached my goal weight. It also doesn’t mean that things can’t be great for me NOW, even though I haven’t reached my goal yet.

I have to find within myself my own joy and appreciation of who I am, and taking care of my health is definitely a great way to start. I’ve been feeling very isolated lately, and part of that is I tend to get very dramatic sometimes, believing that no one else has ever felt the way I do or has known the hurt I’ve felt. After talking with Nancy, I had to admit to myself that perhaps that’s not quite true—maybe one other person has felt like me (ha!).

I admitted to her the judgements I had unconsciously made just based on her looks, and her face furrowed her brow and squinch her eyes, looking like she didn’t understand…and it’s because I used the word “beautiful.” I could tell she kind of thought I was crazy, and I was thinking, SHE’S crazy for not knowing that she is beautiful!

I encourage everyone to chat with each other as you wait in the clinic lobby, because you never know what you can gain by listening to someone else’s experiences—whether it’s a great recipe, a way to get through a challenging time, a shared hurt, or a common joy.

I learned a valuable lesson from Nancy in our short conversation, which is that I need to keep working hard to start loving and accepting myself from within, because otherwise a 220 pound weight loss isn’t going to do it for me. However, I know that not living a healthier life and taking care of myself could prevent me from loving and accepting myself, so I’ll keep showing up at Lindora to watch the scale numbers drop!

One quick word to Nancy: Thank you for your openness, and at the risk of making your eyes squinch up again, you really are beautiful—both on the outside and within!

Unfortunately, I now must follow up with something less happy. I wasn’t able to turn in a journal last week, and after a week of little sleep and low-low carbs, I not only didn’t lose, I’m back up to weighing 239 this morning—still the 30’s, but going the wrong way!

I had some hurtful turmoil going on last week and although I didn’t turn to fast food to ease the pain (ha!), I did fall back to the bad habit of hardly eating. For me they can both be just as dangerous and end up in weight gain. It’s that healthy balance between not eating enough and eating too much. Because I’m a woman of extremes, middle ground has always been a foreign land that I rarely travel to. So once again, I’m making the commitment of eating the number of carbs and meals I’ve committed to this session, and I hope to go back to my 20’s soon!

I’d like to share with you two interactions I’ve had in the past couple of weeks. I’ll start with a friend of mine, Javier, whom I first met in 1989 at work and we’ve stayed in touch, randomly at times, ever since.

When I met Javier, I was in a very verbally abusive relationship (but I guess I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with anything more functional at that time). Javier was always so kind, and when he spoke to me he really paid attention to what I had to say. He’s like that with everyone. He’s the type of guy that wouldn’t dream of even getting a soda without asking if you (or everyone in the room) if you’d like one, too.

Javier was complimentary, always in an upbeat positive mood, and ready for anything. He never knew back then how much good he did for me in contrast to what was going on in my life. Later, he remarked that he never understood why I reacted to compliments so “violently” (because I masked how shy and insecure I was with a smart mouth!).

A couple of years ago I was very sick, and after numerous tests that spanned about a year, they finally found a tumor with some active cells. More tests followed and active cells showed up in one of my breasts…and then everything started moving fast. During that time I had iron anemia as well as B12 deficiency, dark circles under my eyes, and absolutely no energy. It was after the subsequent tumor removal and recovery that I knew I had to do something about my weight—but I think I’ve talked about that before.

Javier called one day just to check in, and it had been months since I talked to him. As always, his phone call was about how I was doing and what was going on with me. During the conversation it finally came out that he had cancer and was going through some pretty intense chemotherapy that left him very weak and sick, and although it was wearing on him, his attitude remained hopeful and forward-thinking. Of course he had his days when I’m sure he wanted to give up, but his determined attitude wouldn’t allow him to stay in that place very long.

Thankfully, Javier was finally in remission and ready to take on the world again. Even feeling as bad as he did, he always checked in with me, asking when was my surgery, how was I recovering, what did my tests show? Despite the fact he would have been justified in only worrying about himself, his concern for me was unquestionable.

I spoke to him about a week ago and the conversation as usual started by him checking on me and what was going on in my life. I told him about Lindora and about how much weight I’ve lost, and he wanted to confirm that I was also otherwise healthy. I had a feeling there was more going on with him, and when I questioned him, my heart broke—he admitted the cancer had come back.

As I started to feel my emotions well up, he was quick to reassure that this chemo is not as strong as the last time; his type of cancer had an expected likeliness of reoccurring, and he was doing fine. He was determined to look at the areas where it could be worse, and as always, he was forward-thinking. That is the epitome of how I want to think and live.

Javier is not negating what is going on in his life, yet he takes the most positive approach to it he can. He’s not letting it stop him mentally, but on the days his physical body needs to rest, he does. He’s always concerned with what’s going on with people he cares about regardless of how serious things are with him. He’s concentrating on how blessed he feels like when he gets up for work in the morning and tiptoes to his son’s room to place a kiss on his curly locks as he sleeps.

I know Javier, and while he’ll have times when he might be angry and broken, he won’t allow himself to stay in that place for long. He’d miss too much joy if he did. I’ll miss too much joy if I don’t allow myself to continue on this discovery of self, mind and body, and enjoy every moment. I need to take his example and be grateful for the things I have in my life, don’t beat myself up over the things I’m not in control of and just do the best I can every day. He is in my prayers, and I’d be grateful if you kept him in yours, too.

So I took last week off , no journaling for the website, no counting my carbs, no clinic visits, and really did it my way to remember what it was like. Did I miss the freedom of eating what I want, when I wanted? Would I love going all day without eating again and finally gobbling something up late at night? I agreed with my coaches that I would start back at the very beginning and do three prep days before starting my protein days (three of those too!). Well, this was a week of revelations and turned out to be exactly what I needed to confirm what I already knew: I don’t want to go back to old ways, bad habits and unhealthy living.

As timid as I can be on some days about venturing into the unknown, going backward is terrifying. To confirm what my coaches have been telling me, I actually lost weight on my prep days! Now let’s not get the wrong idea, if I continued eating that way, sooner or later it would catch up with me. But it just show that as soon as I increased my carbs (which my coaches have been advising me to do), the weight started coming off!

I didn’t enjoy eating without being mindful. I didn’t like the idea of no structure to when I ate, how much I ate or if I ate. I was actually excited yesterday, knowing that my first protein day was around the corner, and I couldn’t wait to get started again. I am committed to getting my carbs up to where I’m told. I promise to get back to the basics and really make this next session start.

I know I will have to really “shut off” my own head when I’m afraid of eating ½ a grapefruit because it’s 10 carbs. If I’m eating in a healthy Lean for Life program way, I can eat the grapefruit and the veggies along with my protein and lose weight. I’ve done it my way for so many years that I forgot for a couple months why I walk in the doors of the Irvine clinic every day: because they are the experts.

Over the last three days, I ate some fast food, didn’t worry about calories or carbs, and took an emotional break from my journaling. But you know what? It’s great to be back (sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side)!!

Since I’m on metabolic adjustment, my weight is holding steady (it amazes me every time!) so nothing new on that front. But someone very dear to me gave me such a beautiful gift that I want to share it with you.

My friend called me late at night, and I immediately could tell he sounded tense, as if the conversation wasn’t going to be a “hey, just called to see what you’re doing” kind of call. After the initial pleasantries, he said, “I’ve just discovered I have sensitivity about something I didn’t realize I had”, and his tone got even more serious.

He was upset by the word “Before” on my journal pictures from when I was 361 pounds. It took me a few minutes to figure out what about that upset him, and I’m going to use my own words to try and convey the spirit of what he was saying. Basically, “Before” to him signified something negative or less worthy, but the “Before” girl at 361 pounds was whom he became friends with.

Sara “before” was the person he liked (although the body held me back), and to him, to look at me at 361 pounds with any less respect than he does now was unacceptable. He can be a little overprotective, and perhaps and the word “before” didn’t strike me the same way, but he’s happy, SO supportive and encouraging of my weight loss, and is definitely not one of those saboteur friends that we are sometimes warned about.

But what I got from the conversation was that he’s happy because I’m happier and healthier, but also that he still cared for me at my highest weight because he cares for me. For someone struggling to redefine and discover herself, this was a gift of such compassion and insightfulness that it felt like he had found a missing piece of my heart and had just gently put it back where it belonged.

I know I have many people in my life that care for Sara—big or smaller—but the timing of the conversation, the words he used, and the ferociousness to defend my “Before” gave me a sense of peace and acceptance that I hadn’t given myself prior. He had been listening to me—really listening to me—all these months as I’ve been struggling with my feelings about who I was and what I was becoming.

After our conversation, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about where I am with my 122 pound loss. I have to think of myself at 361 pounds as “her”, an old friend who I have such love for because she took care of me for quite a long time. She carried my burdens and pain (all 361 pounds of them!) and protected me until I was able to start protecting myself without her. She’s someone I will forever be grateful to for all that she endured on my behalf, and I know how terribly hard and isolating that was. I remember how frightened she would get at my inability to process feelings and disappointments, and she insulated me the only way she knew of at the time—with layer upon layer of fat cells.

I have reached a point where I am realizing that for her benefit as well as my own, I have to lovingly and kindly part from her. I don’t hate her, I’m not angry and after my conversation with my dear friend I finally let go of my revulsion for her freeing us to go our separate ways. I owe that to her and to myself—to carry my own pain, face my own disappointments head on (or maybe sideways, not sure I’m ready for head on yet!), and to not ask her and her body to do it for me. It was painful, it was excruciating at times, yet she did it day after day, year after year.

When I get frightened, I still at times find myself wanting to run back to her refuge, the security of what I knew. It was safe there for me and I knew what disappointments lived there. But then I cross my legs, sit in a bubble bath, shop for clothes and have to get smaller sizes, sit down on a lawn to play with a child and am able to easily get back up again, and I realize that going back is no longer an option I want, and, day by day, no longer an option I need. She—my “before”—is still there, but instead of being right next to me, she’s down the street. I can still see her in the distance, still very much recognize her, but she’s not close enough for me to touch. We look wistfully at each other at times, but it’s with a knowing that our time together is limited.

Sometimes I think maybe I’m in some sort of dream and I find myself trying to relate the number to myself. I never before was able to lose weight so consistently. Nothing else ever worked. But with the exceptions of some small plateaus and set points, I continue to consistently lose weight on my Lean for Life program. It’s astounding to me. I never tire of getting on that scale and seeing another one or two pounds gone, and I feel healthier.

When people ask how I feel, “fantastic” is the word that comes to mind. Yes, the protein days can be difficult at times. And yes, I have weak moments when I pout because I can’t eat French fries. But the tradeoffs and benefits are so significant: I can move, my asthma is greatly improved, and I haven’t had to see a chiropractor since I started losing weight. I could choose the French fries over my health but when I continue to see the kind of results I’ve achieved, I just don’t want to go there. I know what a French fry tastes like. I also know what’s going to happen if I eat them, and it’s nothing good.

What I don’t yet know is how much better I’ll feel when I’ve lost 150 pounds. What will I do the first time I don’t have to buy a plus size blouse size? Who will I be as my protective barrier gets chipped away, one fat cell at a time, and I end up facing and embracing life without it?

I feel so much lighter eating this way, even though I still have many pounds to go. I feel human again. Only someone else who has struggled with a hundred or more pounds probably understands the not feeling human thing, or maybe it’s all relative. Perhaps someone who struggles with 40 pounds reaches a point where they feel just as uncomfortable in their own skin as I did with 200 pounds to lose.

What I know is that I always have choices. I could choose the familiar behavior and lick the salt off my fingers after I pop that French fry in my mouth. But once the grease kicks in and the salt is gone, I’m left with the same feelings of unhappiness, discomfort, and guilt. Or, I can choose my new behavior and eat my protein snacks, fruits and vegetables. When I do that, I’m left with a feeling of success, pride, hopefulness and the promise of a future greatly different than my past.

I can do this. I’ve been doing it. I’ll continue to do it and someday not too long from now, I’ll be telling you all about buying my first blouse that isn’t a plus size. That’s a day in the future I can’t wait to experience!

Every year, the company I work for puts on a large convention for our network, and the days leading up to it are “crazy time”. I wasn’t able to weigh in at the clinic this week as I was on a tight schedule and didn’t have time between meetings. Thankfully I’ve stocked up on product—which I can assure you I’ve already stuck in my suitcase—so I’m well-armed for the days ahead. I’ll be in Texas for a week and it is non-stop work: My workday begins at 6 am, and I won’t see my hotel pillow until midnight each night (and that’s on the early nights)!

I should have well surpassed my 100-pound loss by the time I get back…but only if I continue to stay diligent, which I plan to! I have my Yogurt Peanut Butter Crunch and my Peanut Butter Crunch bars, my Wildberry and Peach Mango powders, and of course my love: the Creamy Hot Cocoa, which is a morning and evening staple. The trick will be drinking my water, but my body craves it now, so I’ll have to make time.

There are several of us on the same flights, and if you don’t think I’m going to make everyone of them look at my buckled seat belt—MINUS the extender—you’re wrong! I will have each one of them come to my seat, clap for me, tell me how thin I am, and then they can go back to wherever they’re sitting.

Less than a year ago, a trip like this would have had my stomach in knots and my mind racing. Now, with such a significant weight loss in 10 months (and feeling fantastic!), I am not worried about an airline person asking me to buy a second seat, or that I won’t be able to make the demanding convention schedule. Oh sure, I’ll be exhausted, but exhausted on a level with everyone else—and not because I’ve had to walk to the elevators carrying 100 extra pounds!

My life is bringing me new experiences every single day, some exciting, some terrifying, but exhilarating all the same. I am still unsure about how I’ll feel as I get closer to my goal weight…even at this weight, I’m dealing every day with looking in the mirror at someone I don’t know. It’s an emotional battle I struggle with, and I know many people don’t understand it. Heck, I don’t even understand the emotions, but I’m determined to stay with it.

As the scale and my inches find their way to the lower numbers, I am focused on loving the little things and appreciating all of the changes. For example, the other day I was running around the mall shopping for my mom when I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror. There I was in my cargo pants and pink t-shirt. The shirt hiked up a little in front, and there, poking out below, was my little belly.

Now, first of all, a few short months ago I wouldn’t have been wearing a t-shirt—let alone one short enough that it could ride up in the front! Second, if it had ridden up in the front exposing my stomach, I would have been mortified and doing a lot of tugging and pulling until everything was “hidden”. Not this time! I looked at that little belly, remembered how big it used to be, and told myself that I looked adorable and I should be proud of that smaller belly swell, and I am! I just continued on my way, feeling a sense of freedom the likes of which I can’t remember.

While I won’t be wearing any cropped-top, midriff-exposing shirts, if you see a girl running around a mall with a belly bulge peeking out from below her shirt, it’s probably me—with a great big grin on my face!

Talk to you in a couple weeks if I survive Texas!

I was so irritated because I just wanted to hit that 100-pound milestone and move on. Now technically, I really have hit 100 pounds of weight loss—because I started at a little over 361 pounds—but I haven’t been tracking it that way, so I’m not counting it until I actually hit an even 261!

I was at a meeting in Arizona for a few days, and if I had stuck with my new way of health a little more closely, I would not only have reached 261 pounds—I could have surpassed it! But since I felt the need to have four pieces of pizza one day, and a couple of glasses of wine on another, I must now pay the consequences and wait a little longer for that 261 to show up. Thankfully, Lindora has taught me what I can do to get back on track without too much damage, so I hope to have even better news in my next journal entry.

Now for my second announcement. I experienced one of those surreal moments that I had no idea would mean as much as it did: I finally took the airplane ride that I’d written about in my journal before—a ride that became another of my milestones.

I boarded the plane with doubt, afraid that even after all of my weight loss, I would still have to ask for a seat belt extender. The humiliation and embarrassment attached to flying was so great, so debilitating, that I don’t know how I used to survive it emotionally. I used to fear that the airline person at the gate would look at me and say those words that would destroy me, “Ma’am, you’ll need to buy another seat.” That never did happen—and I don’t know how I avoided it ever happening—but it might have to do with the fact that I just stopped flying.

So, as I boarded the plan this time and stood in line by the cockpit, waiting for the people in front of me to move down the aisle, one of the attendants told me that I looked good in the color pink I was wearing. As I thanked her, I knew she was someone I could share my secret hope with.

“Can I share something with you?” I asked. “I’ve recently lost almost 100 pounds, and I hope this is the first time in maybe 15 years that I won’t have to ask for a seat belt extender.” She responded sensitively and with excitement, and congratulated me on my accomplishment. I quickly (and proudly) told her I did it through the Lindora program—and not through weight loss surgery.

Having overheard us, another attendant came over. They both started asking me questions, which I did my best to answer, but meanwhile my mind was focused on seat 18D—and the seat belt attached to it. They both told me I was going to make it. The first one said she’d come by and check on me later. I made my way to my row, stowed my bag, and sat without touching the belt. I just sat, centering my mind, trying to convince myself that regardless of whether it fit yet, I’d lost a lot of weight, and not to let one plane ride diminish that. I took a deep breath, let the belt out almost as far as it could go, and slowly brought the two ends together. And together they went.

What’s surprising to me is that I’m crying as I write this—and it’s been over a week since it happened. I did it. It was a moment that took one more bar off the prison chamber of fat cells that I’d built around my soul for many, many years. As the buckle ends came together, everything got quiet around me. I was no longer aware of the guy sitting next to me, or the woman across the aisle. I connected with that moment, embedding it in my memory as deeply as I could, so that it was one more “happening," one more achievement to reflect on during those dark moments of self-doubt, when self-sabotage looms its ugly, destructive head.

When the flight attendant came by later as promised, she cautiously looked at me. I gave her the thumbs up and pointed to that beautifully buckled belt. She let out a whoop, high-fived me, and we both began to cry! She just kept saying, “I don’t even know you, but I am so happy for you!” and I kept repeating, “I did it, I did it!” I feel a tightness in my heart now, and it reminds me of how it swelled with pride as I heard the “click." That click signified another painful chapter of my life being followed by a happier one.

My goals are not just based on numbers. They include those seemingly small things like seat belt extenders, which ripped away small pieces of my heart. On May 23, 2005 (the first day I walked into Lindora’s Irvine clinic), I had so little life left in me, and barely any heart left to ache.

What I didn’t know then is that I would forever after consider May 23 to be my new birthday, for that is the day that my life was given back to me. It happened pound by pound, week by week, through every small achievement and every seemingly small goal. As I pass each new milestone, I force myself to stop and honor each step I take forward. I’ve taken steps backward, I’ve taken leaps forward, I’ve accomplished so much, and I have so much more to go.

I’m not giving up. When I stumble, my Lindora coaches brush me off and steer me back in the right direction. A friend of mine, Steve, shared with me something his Dad quoted to him many years ago. He said, “Failure is not being brought to your knees, failure is not getting back up again.” I’m getting back up again, and I am forever changed because of it.

My journal entry last week was more on the emotional side, so let’s switch gears and talk turkey about the fun (as well as the not so amusing) aspects of being where I am today in this journey.

Loose skin. That’s right, I came right out and said it: loose skin. Oh, I know…it’s technically a good thing, because my epidermis isn’t packed so excruciatingly tight with fat cells…but it’s sometimes hard to remind myself of that. When I walk now, there’s an extra little “oomph” that occurs in my backside. It’s been happening for a while now. At first I was mystified: Had this sensation always been there? Was I walking differently?

My fears of the truth were soon validated when Shanell, my coach, was giving me an injection. She let out a surprised, “Oh, my gosh!” I explained to her that that wasn’t exactly what someone who had their pants down (with their least favorite body area exposed, I might add!) wanted to hear from someone! Shanell laughed, explaining that she was shocked to see “how much loose skin I had back there now” –which she meant as a good thing.

Well, that incident with Shanell confirmed that the extra oomph I’d been feeling was indeed the junk in my trunk taking on an identity of its own. Great…guess I’ll have to be investing in something that has the words “control top” in it!

I’m now noticing that my neck also has that same “less than firm” look to it, and I sighed when I made that discovery the other day. Okay, the future surgery that I am determined to get (even if I have to be filmed for the Discovery Health Channel to be able to afford it) will take care of that, but in the mean time, what’s a girl to do? Walk around with my hand under my chin as if I’m constantly in deep contemplation about some very important dilemma?

I am embracing all the changes my body is going through because I know where this is ultimately leading me…but embracing and loving aren’t necessarily one in the same. Don’t misunderstand—I am SO grateful for what this body has put up with from my self- abuse, and I thank it almost every day for hanging in there with me until I was able to treat it better. My curves may be overly voluptuous and saggy, but to me, they are beautiful every step of the way as I transform my physical and emotional self.

I backslide now and then. On Friday at 5:30 p.m., I realized that I hadn’t eaten one single morsel of food because I was letting some issues at work affect my emotions—resulting in old habits. Once I realized this, I called my friend Amanda, told her what I was doing, and then made the commitment to eat and get back on track. When I woke up on Saturday, even though I still wasn’t hungry, I ate my portions and tracked my food. And By Monday, had lost 2 pounds (the right way!).

And back to “embracing changes along the way”—I bought cargo pants! I always used to eye them longingly, thinking how cute they looked on others, but with the size my thighs used to be (almost 100 pounds ago now!), I never would have worn anything with pockets on the side, adding girth to already VERY ample hips. Back then, I only wore stretchy, tight, unstructured pants—thinking that the more form-fitting they were (I’m shuddering at the realization now), the less fat I would look. I wouldn’t have been caught dead out of the house in anything baggy.

Well, I may not be a size 6 yet, but I’m celebrating my slimmer size by wearing those cute, casual, somewhat baggy cargo pants with the pocket on the side, and I look adorable! Just ask the girls at the Irvine clinic, because after they made the proper fuss about my outfit, I made them confirm several times just how cute I looked! I then thought, Well, I shouldn’t let this very hip presentation go to waste, and I drove down to the San Juan clinic to visit my original coach Donna (whom I miss so much!) to show her my progress AND to make sure SHE told me how adorable I looked! It was such a happy day, and I smile every time I see them in my closet. I’m not waiting to buy clothes until the end, heavens, if I did that my britches would be falling off every time I took a step!

I was wearing a 5X when I began the Lindora program last May, and I couldn’t wear every 5X—only certain styles—so who knows what my true size was. Now I’m down to a 22/24 in most blouses, and a 22 or 20 in pants. Seeing as how a 5X is the equivalent of a size 36, I am tiny in comparison!

I need to have those smaller blouses. I need to try on pants and delight in having to exchange it for smaller and smaller sizes until they fit. I rejoice that my biggest issue in the morning when I go through my closet is finding something that isn’t too big, rather than trying to find something that I can squeeze into (and that I don’t have to leave the bottom button open). I can’t wait until my 100 pound weight loss mark, because do I have a before picture to share with you…there was so much extra skin squeezing out around my cheeks in that picture, it almost looks like there was a whole other face hiding underneath mine! Of course, it was firm skin—not that loose stuff that’s been emerging lately—but hey, who’s going to notice that when I’m wearing my cute cargo pants?!

When it happened (a few weeks ago) my first thought was to immediately write every detail of this life changing event. I couldn’t wait to tell my family and friends, yet each time I tried to put it into words, I’d immediately shut down and find myself journaling or talking about something else. Even now, I find myself writing and rewriting these sentences, when normally my fingers fly as I just write whatever my emotions dictate.

I usually journal in the morning, when there is a lot of commotion. But because this last workweek has been incredibly stressful for many reasons, I’ve only just now found the time to sit down and write at 1 a.m. It’s quiet and peaceful, and maybe that’s why I finally feel brave enough to reflect, and to reveal what happened to me. Perhaps this experience can’t be captured in writing, but I will do my best to describe it to you and do it justice.

I was reading in a quiet, dim room, my head tilted down. I was really engaged in the story because there were no outside interruptions. Then I began to sense that someone else was in the room, looking at me. I had been sitting there alone for some time and didn’t remember anyone coming in, but soon the feeling became so distracting that I had to glance up.

There was a woman sitting on the other side of the room, staring at me so intently that at first I was startled. But something about her seemed familiar, and the more I focused on her, the stronger the feeling became. I kept staring, and her gaze didn’t falter from mine. It was a surreal moment—as if we had connected in the deepest way without having uttered a word. Her head was tilted down, as if she too had been reading.

Because the lighting was low, her face was surrounded by shadows, giving it the illusion of it being much slimmer than what I guessed it actually was. You could barely make out the fullness of her rounded cheeks that the shadows were softly hiding.

She was beautiful. Not necessarily in the classic way…it was mainly because of her eyes: They were calm, wise, and confident. Those eyes said she knew who she was, not only her strengths but also her faults, and she embraced both. This was a woman who was proud of herself for all she had accomplished, yet understanding of all she hadn’t. There was a lot of pain in her eyes, but it wasn’t the kind of pain that hurt when you recognized it.

This woman knew that her pain and struggles had made her who she is today, because without those things, she couldn’t have evolved. Everything I saw in those eyes was who I wanted to be. I was afraid to even blink—because I instinctively knew that if I broke the gaze, she would disappear. I wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as I could. I had caught glimpses of her over the years, but I always turned away if she got close. I was afraid that if I tried to meet her, she would turn out to be only an illusion. But there we were, face to face. Everything I needed to know and believe became embedded in me in that moment, and I truly felt changed.

I looked away reluctantly and sat back, trying to take in what had just happened. I was shaken, but I also felt empowered. How could I become who this woman seemed to be?

For the first time in my life, I actually have hope that I can accomplish what I’ve set out to do. I’m on the right path, and although taking control of my health and well-being continues to be a daily challenge, I embrace it because I am transforming into that woman who has survived pain and learned from it, who is proud of her accomplishments and accepting of her faults.

You see, the woman who looked at me that day—and whose existence I’ve denied all my life—was my own reflection staring back at me from a mirror. The shadows encircling my face allowed me a glimpse of a healthier, slimmer me that I’ve never known as an adult.

It was my pain that I saw in those eyes that day…but at last I saw what my eyes would look like if I could grow to accept both my strengths and my flaws. I met myself that day, or the person I want to be, and I can’t wait until the morning I wake up and realize I’ve become her.

You know, my old behavior was to use food as an escape, as a way to deal with pain. When I was upset, I either didn’t eat at all, or I ate whatever I wanted. Whatever feeling I was trying to escape (fear, rejection, low self-esteem, self-hatred), I always had the same way of dealing with it…food.

I liked not eating for long periods because I felt empty inside, lighter, and then didn’t feel as guilty later on when I would eat too many fries. On the other hand, sometimes the escape was the opposite: if I was hurting or afraid, eating would allow me to momentarily forget about (and not feel) what was bothering me. But when the pizza was gone and my stomach was full again, the guilt and self-hatred would start to creep in. I would berate myself, and then starve myself again. This was a vicious cycle.

I’m grateful—in a weird kind of way—that I had an escape that worked for my needs. But about 9 months ago, the day came when my escape no longer served its purpose. As I’ve said before, I was not protected by my body, but rather imprisoned by it. I thought for a while that weight loss surgery was the “key” to let myself out of the dungeon that my body had become, but I’ve since found that I had the key in my pocket the whole time. Lindora is showing me how to make my own map, to save myself and walk out into freedom.

I do feel panic right now, being where I am. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed at how much weight I still need to lose. I feel sorry for myself because you’d think that someone who has lost 100 pounds would be done with weight loss—not just halfway through. You might also think that if someone had gained 100 pounds, they would have stopped at that point.

I know that I’m losing weight almost as quickly as many weight loss surgery patients do. The difference is that I’m eating, and I don’t have surgery to recover from. I’m counting on the fact that I won’t regain the weight because I’m changing my eating habits. I get nervous because I’m starting to look a lot different. I am nearing areas that I was so fearful of as a child, things that caused me to distort my body with fat because it seemed like the best defense.

Even worse (and this is embarrassing to admit) is that I’m having feelings of pride and higher self-esteem, yet it’s very uncomfortable for me. It’s so sad that I feel that way.

I refuse to give in. Issues or not, I might as well have my issues in a healthier body that can get me around and work for me rather than be miserable in a body that cannot walk one block! I know with every fiber of my being that I am going to continue to get stronger and healthier and prouder. I just get scared sometimes. When I’m talking to some people about the program, they sometimes focus on what they “can’t” do or “can’t” have. I’m certainly not judging them, because that’s the way I always used to think, too.

I can see how much I’ve changed because of the way I now make choices. I could choose to have donuts, candy, a large pizza, and a whole cake as dessert! But I choose not to. I’m choosing to look at food as something to fuel my body, not as a way to self-medicate my pain. I could choose to starve myself for days and not lose a pound, but I would feel empty and full of self-loathing.

Through Lindora’s program and support, I understand that I’m not being denied food, but rather that I am choosing to use food for its true purpose. I’m choosing to eat several times a day to keep my body running smoothly, resulting in a clearer head, less depression, and energy that I didn’t think this old body would feel again!

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I don’t remember the last time I got on a scale and was in the 260’s. It’s been such a long, painful, heartbreaking time. I do remember being weighed at the doctor’s office many years ago and being shocked that I weighed 287 pounds. I had been terrified at how close I was to 300. Everything around me seemed to stop, and I kept hearing “300 pounds” over and over in my head. I was practically frozen in place because I didn’t know how I had gotten that big, and reality suddenly hit me square in the face. That’s the last time I really remember a number until about 10 years ago, when I went to Weight Watchers and found that not only had I hit 300, I had surpassed it by 40 plus pounds.

Cut to 10 years later (just a few short months ago), weighing 361 pounds and being convinced that nothing would work. I still haven’t quite accepted that I’ve lost 93 pounds.

I feel like I’m approaching a crossroads where, after I lose 7 more pounds (and reach a 100 pound weight loss), I could go down the wrong path if I don’t stay vigilant. I want to revel in my success and my lighter body and how fantastic I feel, but I don’t want to revel so much that I become complacent and satisfied with where I am. Yes, I am much smaller than I was at 361 pounds—and I need to acknowledge that—but I still need to continue in my fight for a healthy lifestyle. That’s something you just can’t do at 268 pounds.

It’s good—no, make that great—that I’ve lost so much weight, but unless someone can find me a new BMI (Body Mass Index) chart, everyone I refer to says I have a ways to go to be considered fit. I am SO grateful to be where I am today, but I don’t want to settle—I want to win. I want to see what it would be like to be an adult, to be fit, to be fearless and to have self-acceptance. Am I asking too much? Possibly, but I am seeing all these parts slowly evolving, and I’m curious as to how far I can take this. Can I actually succeed?

What would it be like to feel even better than I do now? If buying my first pants in years that have a zipper (and no elastic!) brought me to tears in the dressing room, what will it be like the first time I don’t even have to buy from a plus size store? When I crossed my legs yesterday (like a lady!) for the first time in more than 15 years, what else will I be able to do 25, 50 and then a 100 pounds from now? Think of all those things that I don’t yet even realize I’ve been missing!

I have to do this right. Metabolic adjustment starts this week, and being soooooo close to a 100 pound loss, I don’t want to start that phase. I want to keep losing until I hit it. But experience with the program has taught me that they do it this way for a reason. The first program went great and then I didn’t eat the increased portions I was supposed to during the metabolic phase. I started my second program and hit a three-week plateau from hell, but I learned from it. On my second program, I did metabolic adjustment exactly as instructed. You want me to eat a grain at lunch? I’ll eat a grain at lunch. Two portions of protein? Coming right up.

It’s difficult to make those kinds of changes when you’re losing weight and are conscious of everything you’re eating. But just do what you’re advised to do, because it sure made a difference this last program! It sounds like I’m trying to convince “you”—my invisible support team out there—but I’m actually reminding myself right now.

I will get to my 100-pound weight loss. It just may take a little longer than I’d hoped. And really…what’s a couple of weeks when I’ve been waiting for a couple of decades?

I was at a weeklong meeting at a hotel. There was nothing but hotel food as far as the eye could see. We were fed a prearranged lunch and dinner, and the snacks were certainly not protein based, so I was on my own there as well. There were boxed lunches with thick bread slices surrounding the chicken breasts. At dinners, there were breadbaskets plopped in the middle of the table, just begging for my consumption. Dinner one night was Italian food, with pasta, pasta and even more pasta. Oh, and don’t forget the mashed potatoes and the delectable-looking dessert that stared at me from my plate on another night.

Did I succumb to temptation’s evil advances? No, I most certainly did not! Why? Because I like having people notice that my behind is much, much smaller than it used to be. I cherish the looks of pride not only on my friends’ faces when I update them with a new weight loss, but I cherish my own look of pride. I relish each new opportunity that is allowing me to really see what I’m made of and to further prove to myself that I DO have self control.

I am committed to my new journey toward a fearless, healthy life. I actually had conversations with myself as I was staring down the glistening butter next to the breadbasket. I would ask myself: Is this an actual physical need for the food, or is it simply because it’s easier to just grab what’s there and not take responsibility? I didn’t truly want or need the bread. The funny thing is, before Lindora, I never even bought bread unless I was going through a short-lived sandwich phase. It just wasn’t something on my radar (but French fries, on the other hand…now we’re talking a whole different ball game). But the way I was initially looking at that bread in the middle of the table, you would have thought it was a long lost friend! Here’s one thing that made it harder for me: I didn’t have my calorie book with me. I usually have it in my purse with me, but had removed it to make way for something else. Never again.

The other thing that made that first day of the meeting hard was that I hadn’t brought my own protein snacks. I remedied that by day two: I brought string cheese, my Lindora Creamy Hot Cocoa (my favorite), some Peach Mango powders, and of course, my Yogurt Crunchy Peanut Butter bars. When everyone else was eating candy bars, I ate my Lindora Yogurt bar and truly enjoyed it (I love them!). I began drinking my 100 ounces of water. When others were eating dessert, I walked away from the table and started conversations, and I reminded myself of everything I have gained—and lost—and how far I have come.

The weight is coming off at such a remarkable rate—with no signs of stopping—that I’m still almost surprised when I get on the scale. There is no piece of bread or dessert that is worth the feelings of accomplishment and pride that I have. I made a choice to put myself first last week: I ate three snacks and three meals. I drank my water. I was conscious of my carbs, I made my choices as lean as possible, and guess what? I won. Four pounds less and the train just keeps on chugging along…but with a much smaller caboose!

The biggest challenge I find myself facing is learning to manage the emotions that have emerged during the process of losing 86 pounds. I’m not yet truly comfortable feeling empowered and in control of myself, yet I’m experiencing a sense of pride I hadn’t anticipated. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt proud of myself over anything, and yet I know my progress and success on the program is definitely something about which I deserve to be proud.

I’ve been doing some soul searching as to why losing these pounds is triggering feelings of accomplishment while nothing before had done so. I think I’ve figured it out. No matter what I achieved or what I accomplished in the past, it was rarely if ever something I did for myself. Any pain or struggle I experienced was usually for someone else’s benefit.

I once had a counselor explain that people are like banks. If you continue writing checks without replenishing the supply, the account runs dry. The same is true with people, she suggested. If I kept giving my energy and attention to others without taking time to first take care of myself, she warned, there would soon be nothing left to give.

She was right. What I’m realizing is that by focusing some attention on myself and taking responsibility and control of my health, I’m slowly but surely earning a sense of satisfaction and confidence. It took a long time, but now I get it. I have to take care of myself—and I am. I had gotten to the point back in May—right before I began the Lindora program—when I was as close to empty as you can get. I was devoid of feelings, mobility, passion, happiness, comfort or hope. It’s not a feeling I ever want to experience again.

But that was then, and this is now. I’m 86 pounds lighter and healthier and I have no plans of stopping. I’m happy and hopeful. Armed with the information and support I gain through the Lindora program every day, I’m starting to move down a path I never thought would exist for me. I’m committed to the program and I’m really doing it! The temptation to sabotage myself sometimes kicks in, and the fears, doubts and insecurities still rear their ugly heads, but I’m developing the resources to keep them in perspective. Sticking to the Lindora program is my primary focus right now because it’s working-- and I’m winning!

If you're a regular reader of my online journal, you know that I'm a real fan of Traci Smith. She's been an inspiration to me since the day I began the program. She lost 315 pounds-without surgery-doing the Lindora program. She's in Lindora commercials, in clinic posters, and last week was profiled in People magazine. I was flipping through the pages of the 'Half Their Size' cover story, unaware that a story about her would be in there. All of a sudden, there she was, her beautiful eyes staring back at me with the self-confidence of someone who knew what she had accomplished and was proud of it!

I continue to look up to Traci as a mentor and role model because she lives the Lindora program and is living proof that it can transform your life if you let it. She followed the simple rules of the program, incorporated exercise back into her routine as her weight started coming off, and has maintained her weight loss with the Lindora maintenance program.

When I met Traci a few months back (see my September 30, 2005 journal entry), she was so kind, gracious, and encouraging. She gave me her phone number and told me to call if I ever needed anything. I picked up the phone and left a voicemail message for her, telling her how excited I was to have happened upon her as I turned the pages of People.

When she called me back a few minutes later, she explained that she couldn't answer the phone because she was just finishing doing a Tae Bo Boot camp tape! She's so focused and determined to maintain her weight and to continue improving her health. After we talked for a few minutes about the magazine story, she began asking me how I was doing and giving me lots of encouragement.

When I tell you she inspires me, I mean it. As a commitment to my own health and well being-and in appreciation of the new life I'm leading, thanks to Lindora--I am signing up with a personal trainer next week. Believe me, I never thought I'd be uttering those words, but I've already made the appointment. A friend of mine, who already works out with the trainer, will also be going at the same time. I know it won't be easy, but if I can keep losing and become as fit and beautiful as Traci is, then I have only one thing to say: 'Bring It On!'

When I allow myself to feel too anxious, too stressed or too hungry, I notice that driving past fast-food restaurants becomes a challenge. It’s as if I can hear the voice in the drive-thru box calling out to me: “Sara, we’ve got onion rings!” One of the things I love about the Lindora program is that I’m never hungry, but when I don’t eat what the program specifies, my energy and resolve are weakened. All bets are off and I start feeling susceptible. I rationalize that because I haven’t eaten what’s on my program, it would somehow be OK to have that burger and fries “just this once”.

I didn’t give into the temptation, but it’s just another glaring example of why I need to be taking care of myself regardless of what else is going on in my life. If I had given in and grabbed fast food, I would have felt even worse. I can’t go back to my old habits of skipping several meals and then eating whatever I want. I refuse to put on eight pounds, much less 80 pounds. I need to see what this new woman is going to look like and feel like at 250, then 200 pounds, and--heaven help me--under 200 pounds!

I don’t know how many of you watched The Biggest Loser reality show, but the finale got me thinking. One of the finalists went home and was taped having dinner with a group of her friends. I was struck by her struggle as she tried to order off a menu. I was also surprised by what appeared to be a lack of support or ignorance from her friends. Some seemed oblivious to her dilemma, while others encouraged her to go off her diet, if only for that meal. She began to cry and left the table. Her old life and her desire for a new one were at war.

I began thinking about the amazing people in my life and the support and love they give me every day. I am so grateful to have a core group of friends who are always there to lend whatever support I need—and whatever support they intuitively know I need!

Amanda quietly stops me when she sees me overly prepare my food (an unconscious stalling tactic when I don’t want to eat but know I need to). She also takes time out to walk with me so I can get my exercise--even when my pace was at a snail’s crawl!

If Cassie and I are eating in a restaurant, the choice of restaurants is always based on where I can order a healthy meal. She would be the first to suggest going to another restaurant if I was struggling to find something I could eat on a menu.

Bridget is the friend who is like a little sister and always makes me feel that I can do anything I put my mind to. Bridget, Amanda and Cassie have taken care of me and worried for years about my health issues and limitations, so I know how thrilled they are to watch me make such progress on my Lindora journey.

When I call Lola with my weekly “I lost another 3 pounds” announcement, she treats each pound I lose as if I had just told her I lost fifty. Her excitement and squeals of delight carry over the phone lines from another state and make me feel like I’ve accomplished something great! How much harder this would be if I constantly had people encouraging me to give up!

Another friend of mine, Red, who is not big on confrontations, refused when I asked her for one french fry (she says it was a bite of pizza, but I swear it was a fry). She calmly shook her head no and I got defensive, explaining to her why I could have one little fry and how much weight I’ve lost, yada yada. She still said no. I was a little emotional that day and wanted what I wanted. What finally shut me up is when she looked straight at me, held her chin a little higher as if summoning all her courage, and told me that she wasn’t going to assist me in going off my program. At that moment, I realize that a french fry meant nothing and that Red’s support and belief in me meant everything. The easy thing would have been for her to hand me a stupid fry to shut me up, but she cared more about me at that moment than I could care for myself.

Donna and Shanell, my Lindora coaches, have no problem getting on me when I’m not eating my snacks, not tracking my food or stressing out. I really feel like they care about my health and success.

My brother took the time to log on to the Lindora online chat I did in November to tell me and everyone how proud he and everyone in my family is of what I’m doing. It touched my heart, especially since I didn’t even realize he reads my online journal every week.

My friend Rob has listened to me cry and panic every time I’ve seen a new picture of myself. Whenever I see a new photo, it knocks the wind out of me because I don’t yet look as great as I’m feeling. Rob calmly talks me back to reality. He reminds me that I look better today than I did 83 pounds ago, and that I’ll look even better when I lose another 20, 30, and 50 pounds! In support of my efforts, he even made a commitment to take off a few pounds, and bless his heart, he has! If I ever questioned his friendship before, seeing him give up his beloved Ho Ho’s has laid any doubt to rest!

I am so fortunate that from the minute I get to Lindora in the morning to the moment I rest my head at night, I know I there is someone, somewhere, who will encourage me to stick with it. The great news is that even if I just had my Lindora coaches, their encouragement is so heartfelt and genuine that if that’s all you have, you’re already ahead of the game. I’m just so deeply and profoundly thankful that I have an even bigger “team.” I love every one of them and never take their support for granted.

The past seven months have been life-affirming and life-altering, and I look forward to 2006 with hope and expectation. I wonder how much I will weigh—and how fabulous I will feel—exactly one year from today. Marianne Williamson once observed that “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” As I look forward to the New Year, I resolve to continue embracing the positive changes that I’ve been creating in my life. In 2006, my light will shine brighter than ever before.

One of the reasons I love "my girls" -the coaches and nurses at Lindora -so much is that they understand the struggles, the denial, the frustration and the excitement that are all part of the weight loss journey. When my coach Shannel weighed me in the other day, she started reacting before my brain could compute the numbers. I know she is personally invested in me and in seeing me succeed, and that support really makes a difference.

At 280 pounds, I am at a new low weight that I never expected to see again. I'm down several sizes, and I'm noticing dips and curves and features that have long been hidden and forgotten. I'm feeling alive, vibrant and feminine. I'm also feeling nervous. I stop short of saying "I'm terrified" because I'm working really hard on not defining myself in terms of how I used to be and giving myself a chance to find out who I'm becoming. And I know I can't do that if I'm afraid. I'm remembering why I allowed myself to put on this once protective (but ultimately imprisoning) layer of fat in the first place. I did it to numb the feelings.

As I find myself starting to feel more confident and more alive, it does scare me. I've always felt things deeply and was never fully able to deal in a functional way with life's "stuff", both the good and the bad. I feel like I'm in the fight of my life right now to not stand in my own way. Thanks to Lindora, I have been given the tools to take off the weight and learn to keep it off. I feel so energetic every day that I'm about to burst at the seams! As I admitted in a previous journal entry, I secretly wondered when the program would fail me. But it's not failing me, so I'm growing more determined to not fail myself.

When I was at 283 pounds, I shared with my coach Shannel that I thought I needed to stay at that weight for a little bit and just take it in. I didn't know quite what to do with the feelings that were starting to bubble up, and I felt like I needed to catch my breath. I didn't want to stop and I definitely didn't want to go back, but I was a little shaky about moving forward. No sooner had I uttered those words than the other three pounds flew off my hips! The number 280 appeared on the scale, as if to remind me that there's no stopping this train right now!

I don't know why feeling is such a frightening concept for me. The empowerment that flows through my veins as each pound melts away is tempered by self doubt and a degree of reluctance about where this journey of improved health and self-improvement might take me. I don't know Sara without the volumes of material covering her body. I've never met the girl (now woman) who weighs less than 200 pounds and is excited about it.

I bought a blouse the other day but didn't try it on at the store. I left it hanging in the closet for days before I mustered the courage to see if it fit. It looked too small and I was sure there wasn't enough material. It has been many, many years since I purchased anything in that size. Night after night, I pulled it out of the closet, stared at it, and examined it. And every night, I hung it back on the hanger without trying it on.

Two nights ago, I tried it on - and it fit! It wasn't too tight or too small. It fell loosely and comfortably around my body. I stood in front of my mirror for what seemed like an hour staring silently in disbelief. I looked at myself with a lump in my throat, not sure quite how to feel. But what I realized was that I felt wonderful-proud and strong and grateful for the progress I've made during the past seven months. And at that very moment, feeling good felt really, really good!

To my surprise, Thanksgiving was less challenging than I anticipated. I spent the day with friends and family, which was great. In previous years, Thanksgiving has been about food—and lots of it. I think most of us grew up with the notion that abundance and overeating were as much a part of Thanksgiving as turkey and stuffing. But this year, I was focused and committed to staying on program and not undoing any of the progress I’ve made. I knew my day wouldn’t be any better just because I had two slices of pumpkin pie.

There was only one moment that felt like a struggle for me. A family friend made homemade tamales and insisted I have one. She’s a lovely woman and a great cook. I didn’t want to offend her and I knew her tamales were delicious. But I also knew I didn’t want one. She kept urging me to “try just one” and insisted that Thanksgiving was the “one day when diets don’t matter.”

As she continued insisting I have one of her homemade tamales, I was apologetic. I suddenly realized that I need to reposition the way I was engaging with her. Rather than apologizing as she insisted, I simply said, “They look really delicious, and I’m OK. Thank you!” When I changed the tone of my message, she responded differently and seemed to understand. In the past, I would have eaten the tamale simply to please her and avoid any awkwardness. As it turned out, I did what I needed to do to take care of myself, yet I still made it clear how much I appreciated her hard work in preparing such delicious food.

In addition to losing 78 pounds in a little more than six months, there are some other numbers I’m pretty proud of. I’ve lost 12 inches in my chest, six inches in my hips, 11 inches in my waist, nine inches in my thighs and six inches in my belly. As with most women, I seem to be losing most slowly in my stomach and hips, but I’ve come to realize that slowly is better than not at all. I’m definitely making progress!

Now for a truly painful, embarrassing admission. Let’s title this episode “The Epitome of Laziness” by Sara Marie. Here’s how our story starts. It was a good day. I had stayed on program and felt healthy and clearheaded. I had left the stress of the day behind at the office. I did some straightening up around the apartment, fiddled with a few things, and kept thinking about how I was on a little bit of a plateau and needed to step up my exercise routine. I also thought about two exercise tapes—a dance tape and a walking tape—that I had bought about a week (or two!) before. Hmm, that’s a good idea, I decided. I should do a tape because it’s late and not ideal for walking around outside. So I located the walking tape, popped it in the DVD player (pay attention, this is where it gets good!) and then settled in on the couch to watch it. You heard me. I sat there and watched other people burn calories!! About 15 minutes into the tape, an inner voice literally screamed at me: “What the %&*@ are you doing?!!?”

It made sense to me initially, because I wanted to see what the tape was about, whether I could do it, if was it interesting enough, yada, yada. Instead of putting the tape in and trying to see if I could do it, I sat on the couch and watched it as if it were a new series on NBC! That’s when it struck me: this is a huge area I need to tackle. I really need to confront lazy Sara. My first instinct is always to sit instead of stand, lean instead of stand upright, watch instead of do, and ride instead of walk. Some or a lot of that comes from necessity and being so overweight that I couldn’t be very physical.

But those days are changing. I can now walk for 45 minutes with absolutely no issues, yet I still catch myself circling a parking lot in search of the closest parking space. I can stand without my lower back seizing up in pain, yet if there’s a chair available, I’ll automatically sit down. I don’t need to lean to give my body a break from supporting all that weight, yet I’m still inclined to do so.

I have a lot of retraining and relearning still to do. I did get off my couch, restart the DVD and exercise. I exercised to the tape again the next day and you know what? I felt great. It’s not easier not to do it. It actually takes more energy for me to be lazy. Why? Because the inner dialogue that goes on in my head as I berate myself for not exercising takes all the fun out of being lazy!! I might as well give my body the 15, 30 or 45 minutes of exercises it deserves and then watch my favorite shows!

When I exercise, I lose more weight more consistently, I feel more energized and I’m emotionally stronger. The tape incident was a huge revelation for me. The notion of sitting there and judging what I thought I could or couldn’t do, rather than getting up and actually trying to do it, sounds so ridiculous. But it’s real, and it’s just one of the many obstacles I’m in the process of overcoming. Lindora has given me a path back to a better, healthier, happier life, and I need to do my part in order to achieve my dream.

My commitment to myself and my program is stronger than ever. I will continue getting in my steps and will exercise at least three times a week. This, for now, feels like a realistic goal. I know from my experience over the past six months that when I set a realistic goal and honor it, I honor myself.

The more weight I lose, the more focused I become. I feel so much lighter and healthier and happier, and that motivates me to continue. I've quit looking at the "big" picture because it can be too daunting. I'm specializing in baby steps. Can I get from 289 to 270? Absolutely, and then I'll focus on my next short term goal. That's the only way I can do this. I really believe that the phrase "fake it 'til you make it" sums up my approach.

Like many other people struggling with weight issues, I know I have some self-esteem issues. Otherwise, I would have cared more about myself and not let my weight get so out of control. In retrospect, I didn't think I'd be able to handle life without my protective armor. I feared it would expose me to issues and circumstances I wasn't fully prepared to deal with.

So when I started the Lindora program, I faked it. I pretended it would work. I acted like I was enthusiastic and onboard. I was upbeat and positive. Yet in my heart of hearts, I didn't truly believe any of it. I didn't think it would work. I didn't believe I would succeed. I didn't even believe it would be a positive experience. But I knew that if I was going to give myself any chance at all to succeed, I'd have to pretend.

I didn't get overwhelmed by the thought of losing 200 pounds because I never honestly thought I'd lose two pounds! I didn't get upset that I couldn't eat my "favorite foods" because, in the back of my mind, I figured I'd be eating them again shortly. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't know what to do with all my emotions and fears if I succeeded, because there was no way I'd ever get to that point.

I just kept faking it, day after day, week after week. Then one day, before I knew it, my pants are loose, my blouses are too big, my face is beginning to slim, my thighs don't press against the sides of my bathtub, the seatbelt in my friend Amanda's car actually fits, and the scale registers my weight below 300 pounds for the first time in more than ten years! In other words, I'm doing it!!

I'm feeling stronger and more energetic every day. I'm shoving negative thoughts where the sun don't shine and trying every day to stay in the moment. I never understood that notion as much as I do now. When I stay in the moment, I allow myself to look a little behind so I can remember where I don't want to return. I allow myself to look a little ahead so I can stay excited about the future. But if I look too far ahead or too far back, I get lost.

Some days are much more difficult than others. I sometimes get frustrated that my progress isn't keeping up with my dreams. I worry more about how I look in clothes, which is ironic, since I didn't really care that much when I was bigger! There are days when I'm fed up with figuring out what to eat and keeping a daily action plan and food journal. Other days, it's just a joy to be pleased with my accomplishments, my progress and with how great I'm feeling.

I'm stopping every day to take a minute and revel in each discovery, whether it's the warm water surrounding my hips in the bathtub or the feeling of all that looseness in my pant legs. I didn't know how much I missed those things. I'm not sure I even realized they were ever important to me. Now that I have them again, I do. I'm ready to keep losing, to keep experiencing, and to keep staying in the moment. I'm no longer "faking it 'til I make it." For the first time in a long time, I really believe in myself and my ability to make this dream of mine come true.

I'm actually more excited about-and committed to-my weight loss program than I was when I started because I'm beginning to believe that I will succeed, that I will finally move out of the "morbidly obese" category and continue moving in the direction of improved health. There's nothing like seeing those words on a doctor's chart or reading a magazine and seeing your weight listed in that "morbidly obese" column.

I started this journey the only way I knew how, not fully believing I would succeed but going through the motions anyway. I knew it wouldn't work. And if it did, I knew the weight loss would soon stop, probably at around 40 pounds-if I was lucky to even get that far. I figured I'd play the game and do the program, but I knew I wouldn't succeed.

I concentrated on doing the program one meal and one day at a time. I didn't think long term because I didn't want to borrow trouble. I figured trouble would find me soon enough. But something unexpected happened. I was so busy concentrating on the daily stuff that before I knew it, I had dropped 35 pounds in less than two months!

When I started my second ten-week weight loss series and hit The Plateau from Hell, I wondered whether my prediction of stalling out at 40 pounds would come true. But this time, I did something differently. Rather than sabotaging myself and quitting when the going got tough, I surrendered to the program. I knew Lindora had helped people even larger than me achieve their weight loss dreams, so I stayed focused and did the program their way instead of mine. What a concept!

And guess what, folks? It worked-and it's still working!! I can't begin to tell you how glad I am to have been wrong! I've lost 71 pounds in a little more than five months. When I started, my blood pressure was 140 over 90. Today, it's 90 over 60! I need to figure out how many total inches I've lost-I'll let you know next week. When I look on a ruler and see how big an inch is, then multiply it by how many inches I've lost, it's a visual reminder that my weight loss is about more than pounds. It's about changing my body in ways that will change my life forever. I'm shrinking!

As I move closer to my 100-pound weight loss milestone-it's only 29 pounds away!!-I'm exhilarated, I'm thrilled, and I'm grateful. I can't believe this is my life! Yes, I still struggle with my inner demons. I still experience some of the same anxieties and fears that I did before. But I've gotten to the point where I realize we all have issues, and weighing too much doesn't need to be one of mine! Weighing 361 pounds only served to magnify my self esteem issues and trap me in a life of inactivity and depression. I might as well have issues and look cute in jeans rather than have issues and not be able to wear them!

I'm ready to continue losing weight and I'm ready to experience life in new ways. I want to see what I'm really made of-not what I've told myself I'm made of. I want to feel, to live, fail and succeed. I'm realizing that I can't feel joy without sometimes feeling the pain. I know that's why I wrapped myself in these layers of fat for so long: to help insulate my feelings and stay trapped in a limbo where I felt safe.

I've lost 71 pounds, and I'm ready to see pounds 72, 73, 74 and beyond melt away for good. And as I do, I'll be taking time to get to know and love that new woman who slowly but surely emerges. It's not always safe, and I know it won't always be easy, but I'm more alive today than I've ever been. I'm healthier, I'm happier, and I'm experiencing life in ways I never imagined possible. And that, my friends, makes every single moment of this amazing journey worthwhile.

What happened to me happens to all of us on occasion. I was out running around and I allowed myself to get too hungry. I normally keep a Lindora protein bar in my purse, and more than once they've been a lifesaver. But this time, I didn't have one with me and hunger got the better of me.

Instead of beating myself up, I actually took a moment to acknowledge the things I did right. Rather than spiraling into an abyss of self-loathing and self-sabotage, I looked at what actually happened--and what didn't. I didn't order french fries. I didn't eat the hamburger bun. I didn't use the incident as an excuse to go off program for the next day or even the next meal. Instead, what I did was carefully monitor my carbs the rest of the day, making the healthiest choices I could. I accepted my could have been better, could have been worse choice and looked forward rather than back. That, my friends, is a major accomplishment.

Last week, my journal entry was, pardon the expression, a little heavy. So this week I decided to focus on the lighter side" of my journey of weight loss and self discovery. There are few things I enjoy more than a bubble bath-- a glorious, bubbly hot bath where the steam rises and a beautiful scent fills the air. I can't tell you how much I've missed taking baths instead of showers. I'm a Pisces girl and I've always found great comfort in being surrounded by water. Unfortunately, when you get to a certain weight and size, the bathtub is no longer your friend.

At 361 pounds, my standard size tub and my not-so-standard size body made for a very snug fit. I would fill the tub with very warm water, add the perfumed bubble-making liquid, and wait for it to fill. My heart would race, knowing how luxurious it would feel in mere moments. I would step in and slowly lower myself into the water. I say slowly because when you drop 361 pounds into a tub full of water too quickly, the spillover effect guarantees you'll need a mop to clean up.

As I would wedge my hips between the porcelain sides of the bathtub, I would start to sense the impending problem. My hips would press so tightly against both sides of the tub that the cold porcelain would send a chill shivering through my entire body. No amount of hot water or tiny bubbles could comfort me. Eventually, I quit attempting baths and settled instead for showers.

Today, however, I'm happy to announce (both to my hips and you!) that with a 69 pound weight loss, tiny bubbles are back in my life! I took a long, hot, bubbly, deliciously fragrant bath this past weekend--and my hips were warm, warm, warm! That's right--no porcelain chill! I've even lost so many inches in my stomach that I could sit up, lean forward and shave my legs! For me, my friends, that was a beautiful, warm, comforting, exhilarating moment. I kept marveling at the space between my hips and the side of the tub. I'd lean first to the right, then to the left, to confirm there was indeed excess space there. Where my hips once created a cold, water-tight seal, I was now basking in warm, free-flowing water.

I can't remember the last time I felt so good.

The progress I've made and the changes I've experienced in the past five months are sometimes almost too much for me to process. It's been an overwhelming and wonderful experience. Yet as focused as I'm trying to be with regards to eating healthy and staying on my program, I know I need to be just as vigilant about the emotional side of my weight loss.

The underlying reasons that I allowed myself to become so overweight still exist, but I refuse to let those issues dictate my life--or my weight--anymore. Being so heavy allowed me to live in a very suspended, limbo-like emotional state. I had become asexual, not feeling attractive or attracted. For a while, that was like heaven. It was safe. I used my weight as an excuse to not fully participate in life. I couldn't take risks... because I was too fat. I couldn't date... because I was too fat. I couldn't be an actress... because I was too fat. I couldn't look good... because I was too fat.

What my fat was really protecting me from was a fear of failure and rejection. What if I was available to date and no one wanted me? What if I went out on a date and a second date never happened? What if no one ever loved me? My "Fat Girl" took care of those fears: get fat, don't date. It's not that anyone wouldn't love me, I'm just too fat to date.

I've always thought I could act, what if I failed? What if I tried and failed at the only thing I thought I wanted. Would I recover from that pain? Would I be able to face failure in myself? Don't worry, "Fat Girl" to the rescue. Rather than finding out if I had what it takes, I became too fat to try. I want to look good, but is it vain to put that much importance on my outward appearance? And what if I did look good? Would I get attention become so self-involved that my moral and spiritual values would be tested?

The irony, of course, is that I became so fat and despised myself so much that I became really self-involved. I was always focused on my misery, my pain, my size, and and my limitations. They were the only thing I could think of. I was so afraid of failing myself and disappointing others that I blanketed myself in the protective coating of fat cells and told myself I would if I could but I can't... because I'm fat!"

I can't continue looking back at all the wasted years because I'm determined to get to a place where I'm okay with taking so long to get where I am today. A friend of mine is going through a painful time of great regret in her life, and I keep telling her "You can't get what you don't get until you get it!" In other words, she can't blame herself for not understanding something until she was ready and able to understand it. I need to apply that same truth in my own life. I need to believe in my own words and love myself enough to know that if I could have, I would have made better decisions for myself.

Am I there yet? Not fully. As hopeful and optmistic as I am about my future, I still look back on the past with regret. I sometimes want to fall back into old habits of eating or starving myself when my heart feels the pain of feeling. I still tend to focus on how far I have to go rather than how far I've already come. Yet every week, I see and feel that a stronger, more evolved woman is emerging. That's why I sometimes talk about the Lindora program in terms of what I've gained as much as what I've lost.

I'm still Sara, but I'm a Sara who's starting to wonder what it would feel like to be fearless and to fully participate in her own life, to feel attractive and attracted and to be okay with that. As I continue my journey, I have a hunch I'll discover the answer to that question, and to other questions I haven't yet begun to ask.

Now that I've accomplished my first goal of getting below 300, it's got me thinking about new goals. I'm going to share a few and since I haven't really allowed myself to dream in a long, long time. I'll probably be adding things to my "to do" list over the upcoming months as they occur to me. I don't know at what times or at what weight loss markers I want to accomplish each goal. I guess it'll depend on when my body is ready and able to do them!

Remember when I wrote that when I broke 300 pounds you'd be able to hear my shrieks of joy throughout the galaxy? Well, the first time I get on a plane and don't have to ask for a seat belt extender, you'll probably be able to hear my sobs of joy at least throughout Southern California. They'll think I'm having a nervous breakdown about flying but it will be one less thing on my "it horrifies me but I have to do it" list. I may even be able to do that now since I've lost so many inches, but I'm not scheduling a flight quite yet just to find out!

I remember when they first started talking on the news about how some airlines might require very overweight people to buy a second seat. You'd think that might motivate me to immediately start eating differently, but my first thought was "I'll never fly again rather than face that humiliation." I guess at that point I really didn't have hope that I'd ever be able to lose weight.

Another big dream? I want to--and I will--go ziplining in Kauai. Jerry from Lindora just returned from a trip to Hawaii and told me it was a highlight of his trip--and a total rush! They string a cable across a huge canyon. You hook on to the cable and sit in a harness, jump off a platform, and go gliding over a canyon more than 200 feet above the treetops. There are seven different zip trips on the outing he did, and two of them are more than three football fields long.

What better way to celebrate my freedom and inner exhilaration? I'm afraid of heights, but I'm hoping that as I continue to lose weight and becoming more healthy, I'll be inspired to tackle anything. It sounds like such an unbelievable experience in such a beautiful place that I'm determined to go. Maybe I'll send Jerry down in front of me just to make sure it's safe!

I was recently given a beautiful "goal outfit" from my dear friend Donna. It's several sizes smaller than I am now and will give me something to work toward. When I'm able to wear it, you can be sure you'll see a photo of me wearing it on these pages. I cannot wait to go into a regular clothes store and buy great looking clothes. My new hobby will be to shop, shop, shop! Having to buy clothes at plus-size stores can really limit a girl's ability to look cute, not to mention sassy! So many options open up and so many restrictions fall away as the pounds disappear.

I've always dreamed of wearing a fitted pair of jeans (tight jeans sounds tacky but honestly I'm thinking tight ones!) with a feminine, girly, blousy white top. I don't know why thats the goal outfit. It just is. And when I wear it, I will look hot and carefree! I haven't dressed like that in many years because I don't want to wear a pair of jeans unless my behind looks decent in them!

Dancing is another goal--and one I know I'll achieve. I love to dance and have had several roommates over the years who were musicians. It was almost a nightly thing to go with them to the clubs and dance while they played. To be able to move unrestricted, whether it's in my living room (which we all know I do now), at a friend's wedding reception or at a club, is a joy that fills my soul. I'm not talking anything fancy. I just miss the joy of being able to move to the rhythm without being self conscious about the "plentiful-ness" of my hips!

I'll be talking about more of my goals in upcoming postings. In the meantime, I encourage you to think about your own goals. What are your short-term goals, your mid-way goals, and your "I've gotten where I wanted to get" goals? I'm finding that as I start accomplishing the first ones, the others gradually seem more attainable. My first goal was just being able to walk without limping. My next goal was to weigh less than 300 pounds. And now here I am dreaming about the day I'll be ziplining over a beautiful green canyon in Kauai, feeling light and free and fully, gloriously alive.

I went without dreaming for far too long. I'm now allowing myself to dream big. With perseverance and the confidence I've gained over the past five months on this program, I know my dreams will become reality.

Since my last journal entry, I've lost three more pounds. Three pounds. Not a little. Not a lot. Three pounds. It hardly sounds earth-shattering or momentous, but these three pounds are! For the first time in more than ten years, I weigh less than 300 pounds!!! That's right. When I stepped on the scale this morning, the first number in my weight was no longer a three. For so many years, that three haunted me and evoked such shame. Today, when I saw that the first number in my weight was a two, I literally felt like a weight had been lifted.

I knew it was coming soon, so I thought I was prepared. Even though I've been thrilled with--and proud of--every pound I've lost on the Lean for Life program, breaking the 300 barrier was a personal and very significant goal. I knew I'd be happy when it happened, but happy would be an understatement. I'm inspired, I'm exhilerated, and I'm grateful. I feel this success in my soul, and I know I can keep going. I no longer weigh 361 pounds, 325 pounds or even 302 pounds. I now weigh in the 200s. (OK, it's 299, but I'm headed in the right direction!)

I know I have a long way to go to reach my weight goal, but today, that isn't my focus. I'm making a conscious effort to really relish this moment. I've broken a barrier that I crossed so many years ago, one that has filled me with great pain and disgust for so long. Today, I feel a range of emotions. I'm empowered, yet I'm also scared. I'm grieving for the girl who missed so much because of her insecurities and fears, yet I'm thrilled for the woman who is emerging to take her place. My heart is full and my head is spinning, yet I know there are more adventures ahead of me and more barriers to break through.

I will not stop this journey forward. I will never go back. I know I'll experience plateaus, challenges, and perhaps even stumble during my process. And if I do, I will read this journal entry and remind myself how perfectly wonderful I was feeling at this particular moment. Tonight, I will sit silently and take the time to acknowledge how significant and how life-affirming this accomplishment is to me.

It's a great personal victory, and one that benefits my soul and my spirit every bit as much as my body.

I met Traci Smith, a Lean for Life superstar who has maintained a 315-pound Lindora weight loss for nearly four years--and things were great. I felt inspired, supported and empowered. I continued the week following the Lean for Life program and I felt thin (!), energetic and sassy. I was holding steady at 302 pounds, give or take a few ounces. I had dropped from 315 to 302 over the last two weeks, so I was prepared to have to work for my next weight loss. Maybe it would take a week or so, I figured, but I had confidence it would happen. I had seen my last plateau eventually let go of its evil hold on me so I knew that I could ride this through with ease.

Ha! That was before I saw (dramatic pause and cue music) THE PICTURE. Ah yes, the picture. When Traci and I were meeting, two of the sweet girls from Lindora came by (hi Dalonda and Billye!) to take some pictures to memorialize the occasion. So I put on the blouse that was the perfect shade of blue to bring out my eyes (so what, I'm a girl), made my hair all pretty and made sure the eye shadow was blended to perfection. In other words, I thought I was looking cute as a button. The end of the week comes, my journal entry posts and THE PICTURE was posted alongside of it.

I typically never read my journal entries once I write them because I don't want to overanalyze myself. I just write from the heart and move on. I was curious this time to see if any of the Traci/Sara photos were online, so I checked. That's when it happened: I saw THE PICTURE and went into a tailspin of irrational thoughts, absurd logic and sporadic, uncontrolled weeping that lasted through the weekend. I was definitely in "it" (replace with your own word: in depression, in a funk, in a cave, in a psychotic state of mind, whatever works). Somewhere in my mind, since I was feeling so great, I decided that I looked different. I was shocked by the photo because what I was looking at didn't compute with how good I 've been feeling!

So the tailspin began. I started the abusive behavior with myself that I've been trying to break and self-sabatoge was looming on the horizon. To make a very crazy story short, several people who love me worked very hard for a couple of days to make sure I was supported and stayed on track. One very dear friend of mine finally said something that was like throwing cold water in my face (like you do when someone's hysterical!) and something I kept thinking about until I finally came out of "it." After much listening and kind words, he finally said "Sara, you don't look like you did at 361 pounds and you don't look like you will at 250 pounds. You're a 300 pound woman. What did you expect?"

That may sound harsh just reading it, but that's not how he said it. His point was, let's deal a little with reality here and not lose focus. Don't take this opportunity to make yourself feel worse or lose sight of what you've already accomplished. I logically know I am down 59 pounds. I know the scale's down, I know the inches are down and I know my clothes sizes are down. I know this and I was feeling great. But the reality of the situation is that I still weigh 302 pounds and I'm going to look like it. I'm going to look better at 250 pounds and man am I going to be hot at 200 pounds! I was being unrealistic and unfair to myself.

I have lost 59 pounds in less than five months. That's incredible! I will weigh less than 300 pounds soon and I will soon see a picture where how I look and how I feel are more integrated. Who cares if the perfect shade of blue blouse doesn't bring out my eyes enough to make me look like I'm a size 8? Not me! I lost focus for the weekend, and in the process didn't measure my food and didn't eat all the things I was supposed to eat. But I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to. I'm going to be proud of myself for my accomplishments thus far and get excited again for what will be coming in the not so distant future.

I'm grateful that I feel like I weigh 140 pounds even if I don't look like it yet. Becoming Fabulous and Fit takes time, people! It's an investment I'm willing to make, and know I know will continue to pay off!

We've met and she's like everyone else I've met at Lindora, positive, upbeat and full of kind supportive words. We started out with a giggle because the handsome Jerry, who put us in touch with each other, set up our first meeting at a hamburger place! The fact that we were both on a protein day (yes, Traci still does protein days in maintenance!) wasn't helping anything because we couldn't even grab a salad for lunch! We ordered ice tea (a natural diuretic!), loaded them up with lemons (another natural diuretic!), and sat outside in the fresh air to chat. Traci looked great and openly shared her experience and wisdom. You may have noticed that I don't get into details about how many carbs I average, what my routine is, etc. and that's because I'm learning that one of the advantages of the Lean for Life program is finding what's right for you. Lindora gives us a foundation, carb count ranges and suggestions, but the exact combination that works for me isn't necessarily what works for Traci, or a number of other people. That's why I won't go into specifics about Traci's program (although I couldn't help but ask myself!). I will share, however, one of the biggest pearls of wisdom I took away from our meeting – do more than you did before. Meaning, always be moving forward in a progressive motion. When Traci started her program, she could barely walk more than a few feet every day but she made herself move those few feet. By her next series, she started doing a very basic fitness tape but it was more than only walking a few feet! Her next series she bumped up her fitness routine to a more intense exercise tape and remained at it until she mastered it. Every series she promised herself that she would do more than she had before. She would walk just that much further, exercise that much longer and/or increase her capabilities to the next step. That was her mantra, if you will; her mission statement to herself. THAT is what I'm not doing. I realized as we were talking that I've remained, exercise wise, at the same level. Yes, I can do things much easier and without pain; yes, I am walking 40 minute walks; but I was able to do that in my first session and haven't pushed myself to do more. I'm just doing the minimum. I was so excited that she shared that because it's motivated me into making that same dedication to myself and my well-being. I mean, come on, I can't give my body 30-60 minutes a day for it's own good after all my body does for me all day? It gets me to where I need to go, it keeps ticking and breathing, it deserves my undivided attention everyday for a period of time. After all, an hour a day of me focusing on what my body needs, as opposed to the other 23 hours it gives me, isn't a bad trade off! I've got some things in mind that I'm going to try so I'll keep you posted. Trust me, it'll be great for some humor!

To round this week off, I'm down to 302 pounds, which means I've lost 59 pounds! My first goal is just 4 measly little pounds away and I can't wait to wave goodbye to that number 3. Makes me want to go on Oprah or something and have her bring someone from my past who knew me heavier so I can say "look at me now" (or is that more of a Maury Povich show?). Reality check, I guess I'm not quite at my goal weight yet to do any shows but when I hit 298, trust me, I'm going to think I'm pretty special! Look out, 298, I'm closing in on you!

My big news and excitement this week is Traci Smith called me! As I've mentioned before and I know many of you know, Traci is a woman who lost 315 pounds on Lindora's Lean for Life program and has kept it off. (Read my Aug. 29th journal entry for more details on Traci.) Traci is someone whose story inspires me because she stayed with her program, lost an incredible amount of weight, and has kept it off. She has managed to stay committed to improving her life. She contacted me after reading my journal entries and I couldn't have been more thrilled! She was positive, supportive and one of the nicest people you could hope to talk to. We chatted for a little while and then have made plans to meet on the 26th. I am so looking forward to meeting her in person, I feel like we're already old friends. I'll try and get some words of wisdom for you from someone who's already been there/done that!

I'm noticing that as my health and fitness is improving, so is my emotional well-being. I had something come up over the weekend that hit me pretty hard and has sent me into a pretty subdued mood. What I'm realizing though is I didn't want to "quit" on taking care of myself. In the past, I would have either eaten junk and made myself feel worse, or I would have eaten nothing all day and made myself even more withdrawn and depressed. Instead, this time, I ate what I was supposed to eat and pretty much when I was supposed to eat it. Maybe a little more time went by between meals and snack than usual, but the good news is I stayed focused with very little effort. I didn't want to damage myself more by not fueling my body so I gave myself the nutrition I needed, no more and no less. I can't take care of others if I don't take care of myself first. It's taken me awhile in life to understand that but I'm feeling so much better physically that I'm finding it's doing wonders for my mental health also! While taking care of my health won't stop the hits life seems to throw at us sometimes, taking care of myself will help me handle those times from a better physical and mental foundation. That's reason enough for me to continue my journey to be Lean for Life. Oh yeah, and the fact that I want to look cute in jeans someday!

The worst thing I can do is get lax, sloppy and frustrated. The best thing I can do is stay consistent and committed. So that's what I've been doing. I'm staying between 50-60 carbs every day, I'm drinking my water and I'm eating my snacks. And while I could move more, I'm definitely getting more exercise and walking than I have in ages. I'm noticing that my clothes are fitting differently--they're getting big!--and people are commenting that my face is slimming down. (I notice it in other places, too!)

And..... drum roll, please: I'm also noticing a weight loss! Yes! I'm thrilled to report that I finally broke through my weight plateau! This morning I weigh 310 pounds--that's a 51 pound weight loss in less than four months! Dr. Risser will be so sad that I'm not in to see him again this week, but I might pay him a visit just to share the good news! It feels great to be at a new place on the scale. What feels even greater is the fact I didn't let myself down. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I panicked a little, but I never gave up. I didn't stop monitoring my carbs and I didn't quit showing up at the clinic every morning, even when I suspected the news would be frustrating . I stayed consistent which is what I was told to do.

I've won the battle but I'm still fighting the war! The thrill of watching the scale change from 300 to 299---well, let's just say I crave that more than a bag of fries. Wish me well in the coming week, as I wish the same for you. And when you get discouraged, stay on track! I started this journey not believing in myself or the program. I decided I'd just go along with the routine and when it didn't work, I'd do gastric bypass but at least be able to say I had tried. Much to my surprise, Lindora worked – and it keeps on working! If you're reading this journal and wondering whether the program works, you know my answer! Why not find out for yourself? What do you have to lose but weight?

Whenever I get discouraged, my nurse at Lindora reminds me to focus on the big picture. I still weigh less today than I have in ten years! I'm also more than 20% of the way to my goal of losing 220 pounds! I'm committed to the program, I'm feeling terrific, and I'm much more conscious of what, when, and why I'm eating. I feel so good that I refuse to develop tunnel vision and concentrate only on the number on the scale. What I love about the Lindora program is that it looks at everything: the scale, body measurements, blood pressure, body composition results. I feel like I'm getting an overall picture rather than relying only on one measurement. I know I'm making progress and getting healthier.

During a recent visit to the clinic, I talked with Dr. Joe Risser, Lindora's director of clinical research. He is conducting a blood pressure study and I was interested in participating. At first, I was disappointed to learn my blood pressure was "too good" for me to participate in the study, but then I realized what fantastic news that was!

I'm trying to switch up my exercising so I don't get bored. I discovered the Fit channel on cable. I didn't even know the channel existed two weeks ago, and now I'm watching and even recording some of their programs! Until recently, it definitely wasn't the kind of channel I would have watched. Now, I'm experimenting with exercises I've never even considered trying. The Lindora program has taught me that anything is possible. If I can lose 45 pounds in three and a half months, maybe I'll end up kickboxing while I watch television. Stranger things have happened!

Rather than worrying about daily weight loss and freak out if I have couple days where I don't lose, my focus is to remain in ketosis and remember that my journey isn't a sprint but a marathon. I've been eating all of my snacks, I've been walking and I've been watching my carb count. And in 13 weeks, I've gone from 361 pounds down to 313 pounds! My next short-term goal is to be below 300 pounds. When you soon hear shrieks of joy echoing throughout the galaxy, it's a safe bet that'll be me stepping off a scale that reads 299 pounds--a weight I never thought I'd see again before I started Lindora. So many things feel as though they're becoming possible now, and I can't tell you how good that feels.

For me, learning to just follow the program is a great lesson and challenge. Even when I don't believe I can do it, I'm learning to "fake it until I make it!" I'm putting on the blinders and doing it the way Lindora is guiding me to do it. If they say eat six times a day, I do it. I love that I'm learning to eat real food from the grocery store rather than prepackaged meals. Not only does it taste so much better, but I'm learning new ways of eating that will benefit me for a lifetime. I also love the fact there are Lindora products--bars, shakes, etc.-- that I can use as supplements on those days when I don't want to go to the grocery store. And when I go out to a restaurant, I know I can order a meal that will satisfy me and distract me from staring longingly at my friends' plates.

But what do I love the most? I love that my big butt and voluptuous thighs (that's an understatement!) are becoming inches thinner! I love being able to move and walk more than I love that cupcake! I love the energy I wake up with every morning more than the supersize fries at the drive-thru. And most of all, I love the possibilities that await me as I continue this incredible, inspiring journey!

I was getting discouraged earlier this week because I had "only" lost three pounds. I found myself so discouraged, in fact, that I caught myself eyeing a box of donuts that a co-worker had brought into the office. Then it dawned on me: a three-pound weight loss is cause for celebration, not something to be devalued and undermined! There was a time I couldn't drop three pounds in three weeks, much less one!

Doing the Lindora program has really helped me look at why and how I eat. One thing I've noticed is that when I'm hurting, I immediately go for the quick "fix" which, for me, is food. The good (and bad!) thing about being so open with everyone about my commitment to becoming Lean for Life is that I probably couldn't have snagged a donut even if I wanted to! I tried to act very confident as I looked in the box and told my friend who was watching, "I'm going to eat one of those, it's been nearly three months!"

My friend, however, smiled her sweet smile and just shook her head back and forth. Feeling a bit sorry for myself, I pouted as I walked back to my desk. At that moment, it occurred to me that walking was so much easier now that I was carrying 45 less pounds.

I also realized that I wasn't really hungry for a donut. I thought about what I was feeling, and realized that what I was truly feeling was fear. I was afraid that my first ten-week series on the Lindora program was a fluke. I was afraid my weight loss would stop, or that the weight I'd lost would suddenly reappear. I was afraid I would let people who believed in me down. I was afraid I would let myself down!

Then I remembered why I agreed to share my weight-loss journey online--a woman named Traci Smith. She began her Lean for Life program at 488 pounds. She lost 315 pounds, has kept it off for more than three years, and looks absolutely amazing! Seeing her on magazine covers, in Lindora commercials, and reading about her success on the Lindora website really helped inspire me and, I'm sure, countless others.

I haven't yet met Traci, but I'm told that the reason she agreed to be so visible is that she wanted to use her experience to inspire others to improve their lives. In helping others, she remained even more focused and committed to her own goals.

As I sat at my desk, thinking about my friend shaking her head as I threatened to do something we both knew I didn't want to do, I thought about Traci and how well she has done. I also thought of you and all the other people who are reading this online journal. Frankly, I didn't want to have to confess! I'd rather stay focused and be inspiration--to others, but also to myself.

I've been doing well ever since my "almost ate a donut incident". This weekend, I took a 40 minute walk with a friend and her kids. I felt so alive! I drank my water, I counted my carbs and was grateful for the overall success I've achieved. Maybe I'll only lose two pounds this week. Maybe I'll lose four. Whatever I lose, as long as I know I've stuck to my program, logged my steps and maintained my daily action plan and food diary, then I've had a great week.

I was recently featured in a story about the high cost of obesity in the Los Angeles Times and the closer it got to the date of publication, the more nervous I was becoming! There's nothing quite like having my age, weight and a full-length picture of myself"walking along side one of my tallest, thinnest friends!!"to remind me exactly why I'm doing this. I found that as I started to panic at the momentary embarrassment I knew I'd feel, my impulse was to go grab some fast food. It's a really self-destructive pattern: I feel lousy, so I eat and then feel even more lousy!

But this time, I didn't go there. I'm making a conscious effort to keep the emotion out of it and to strictly deal with the facts. Fact: I have so much more energy! Fact: I can walk 10,000 steps a day, when only 2 ½ months ago, I could barely walk a block. Fact: I'm losing inches as well as pounds. Fact: When I follow the Lindora program and do it their way"not mine"I accomplish results!

I received a "compliment" this week, and I have to ask you all a question: Why do some well-intentioned people find it necessary, when complimenting an overweight person, to say "You have a really pretty face". I can't be the only one who hears the unspoken follow-up sentence in their mind that whispers "…but you're really fat!"

In addition to losing weight, I'm also gaining a new perspective and awareness. A few years ago, I started noticing that every pair of pants I bought were too short, barely coming past my ankles. I'm 5'3" and eventually I was buying pants for tall women because they covered my ankles and went to the floor. I couldn't figure it out. Well, I've had an epiphany! Apparently, when you start losing weight and inches and your big fat thighs start to lose some of their girth, your pants get longer! (I guess denial really does rob you of some brain cells!) The reason my pants were so short is because my large and far from lovely thighs were pulling the material out, thereby shortening the length of the pant leg! Now that I've lost so many inches, my pants are actually way too long, literally dragging on the floor! Isn't it grand?!

I've made a commitment to myself that I will not get sloppy on the Lindora program. I will stay as focused and fervent as I was the day I started. I had stopped wearing my pedometer for a couple of days and didn't exercise. That is going to get me into trouble, and I don't want to repeat those old patterns. There's a mantra that repeats in my head, sometimes several times a day: "It doesn't work your way, Sara, it just doesn't work your way." Let's face it, if it worked my way, I wouldn't be sitting here with pants that were too short being told I had a pretty face!

I'm marveling at where I am today. Almost 2 ½ months ago, I weighed 361 pounds. Today I weighed 319 pounds. I haven't seen that number in a long, long time. I know I'm going to win this fight. This works. I've been sitting here waiting for the program to fail me"or me to fail it"and it hasn't happened. My weight loss continues. My energy is increasing. People are noticing. But more importantly, I'm noticing"and it feels fabulous!

I had finally given in to what I felt was the inevitable"I pursued gastric bypass surgery. The week I was being approved for surgery was the week I learned about Lindora and the Lean for Life program. I wasn't happy, to say the least, because now I had something else I had to consider. I initially just wanted to go ahead with the surgery, despite some serious misgivings about the health risks and long term consequences. I wanted something to save me and to get this blasted weight off " fast! I felt like I had no more time left, that I couldn't stand being so large for one more second!

Because I had heard so many great things about Lindora"and had seen commercials that featured Traci Smith, who had lost more than 300 pounds on their program"I felt like I owed it to myself to learn more. Traci started the Lindora program at 488 pounds, and had successfully lost 315 pounds. What's more, she has kept it off for more than three years!

But would it work for me? I felt like no other weight loss plan ever had. I had tried everything"often more than once"and had never managed to lose or maintain a substantial amount of weight for any length of time. And if it did work, would the weight come off so slowly that I would lose my motivation and give up?

I not only wanted to lose weight, but I wanted to do it in a healthy way. No more fad diets. No magic pills or miracle potions. I wanted something that could change my life forever and that I could live with forever. I wasn't asking for much, was I? I made the decision to give Lindora a try. I figured I could always reschedule the gastric bypass if the program didn't work. What did I have to lose but a little more time? I decided I would give Lindora eight weeks to see if the program would work for me.

Here we are, nine weeks later. The decision to try the Lean for Life program has already begun changing my life. In nine weeks, I've lost 38.5 pounds! I've gone from struggling to walk 30 steps without pain to walking every day for 30 minutes and feeling energized! I've gone from pure exhaustion from hauling around so much excess weight to feeling excited and even optimistic about my future.

I feel like I've been in an abusive relationship"with myself"for far too long. And while it feels somewhat foreign to be taking care of myself in such a positive, affirming way, I have to say that it feels really great! I have many, many pounds still to lose and I know I'll hit emotional as well as physical walls as I move forward. That's where you come in. I've agreed to share my weekly struggles and successes here on the Lindora website in the hope that I might help inspire someone else. In the coming months, I fully expect that my emotions will run the gamut from exhilaration to desperation. Between laughter and tears. Between being motivation and wanting to give up.

The exciting part is that I'm up for it! I'm ready for the challenge and I'm ready for the journey. I'm curious to finally see what I'm really made of and how much I truly want to achieve this goal. Do I have it in me to stay focused and keep doing what it takes until I achieve a healthy weight? If I fail, I know it won't be because of the program. It really is the easiest plan, most balanced plan I've ever followed. I'm never hungry and I'm feeling energetic and motivated. In nine weeks, I've lost more than I lost in six months on other programs!

I'll be updating my journal weekly, so come back often and read my "success story" in the making. And remember: if I can do it, you can, too!